Monday, March 03, 2008

An analogy from life

Rarely am I able to find many analogies in my life that help me to see how God works. It's just not how I am made-to be able to see that sort of stuff in my daily life. However, on Friday I had such a moment.

Last week I had an all week long breastfeeding certification training. It meant leaving my house at 6:20 am (before Anne got up) and returning between 6:30 and 7 pm every night. Anne was in daycare full time last week. For about 10-11 hours each day, seeing me for only an hour or an hour and a half max each night. Not only was this the most she'd ever been in daycare, but it was the longest we'd ever been apart. (Even though I work, I see her 5 full days out of 7.) Each day my heart broke a little more as I missed her more and heard stories of her calling for me each morning. I could not explain to my daughter why I was going or where I was or when I would be back. Her little mind simply could not comprehend where I was or what I was doing. She only knew Mommy was gone and she was sad. It came to a culmination on Friday afternoon when I spent the 1.5 hour train ride staring out the window, thinking of my little girl, thinking of her each step I took as I walked to my training, and then spending the 21 floor elevator ride up crying because I missed her and I felt so incredibly guilty-not for leaving her, but for not being able to explain why or to even make it up to her really. (She just can't get that "Mommy's gone this week but this weekend we'll get ice cream and go to the park.") Then it hit me that this was a perfect example of how God works sometimes. Sometimes He has to do things in our lives. We don't understand why. We only know things aren't quite going the way we want them to. Sometimes we even wonder where He is. He can't possibly begin to explain His ways to us because our minds can't comprehend it. But He knows there is a purpose and reason for what He is doing. And He knows it will end in good and possibly a better situation for all. But He just can't convey that to us and we are left wondering, calling out for Him and wondering why He isn't coming to rescue us. I know that my time at the training was finite. It had an ending. Anne had no idea when it would end. I know that my training was going to be better for so many people. I would be able to help others, I might be in a situation one day to use this training as a profession for the rest of my life, and maybe having that profession, it will even be better for Anne and future children. But all Anne could see was that I was gone, she didn't know where I was, and she would much rather have her mommy than to have me gone at a training. But I couldn't possibly even begin to explain this to her. I just had to hope that she could trust in our previous relationship, and cling to the love I gave her while we were together last week.

I feel like I'm not explaining this very well, but it was an extremely powerful illustration for me. Even when I don't understand what God is doing or where He is or why He is doing something, He has a reason. And I have to believe that His heart is breaking and there are tears in His eyes as He says "I can't explain it, my beloved, but please just trust Me..."

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