This week has been pretty stable for us emotionally regarding Libby. But last weekend-just 9 days ago-was horrible. I think I cried nearly non-stop the entire weekend. Last weekend was the week we realized/learned that Libby is probably going to be in the hospital up to another month-nearly by the time she's 2 weeks old. In addition to having my heart broken beyond repair more times than I can count, I was angry. So very angry. Angry at God. Intellectually I know that He is good, He is loving, He is in control. I know He loves her and me more than I could ever imagine. I know His plans are good-and they are plans He's had for such a very long time. I know that no matter what happens-no matter what-things will turn out for good in the end. But my heart didn't know any of that last weekend. After I had a good scream at Him and then spent the next 2 days deeply depressed, Monday dawned, and He was there.
I listen to books on tape while I drive to the hospital but Monday I forgot it at home. The thought of scrolling through the radio every 2 songs to find one I liked was super unappealing. As was listening to one of 10 CDs yet again for probably the 20th time. So I thought that I would listen to WMBI-which (to me) is basically Christian talk radio. I figured that being where I was emotionally and spiritually I could certainly use the encouragement.
Very very few times in my life have I felt that something has happened to me from God. But Monday was one of those days. The sermon that just happened to be on was talking about Jesus' disciples and that some of them were leaving Him after some hard teachings (John 6). Jesus turned to His disciples-His core 12-and asked them if they were going to leave Him too. Peter spoke up and said "To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:68-69). The pastor went on to expound on this passage, talking about how Jesus is the only way to God, the true Messiah, our Salvation. I can't quite put into words, but that sermon spoke deeply to my heart. It reminded me that as angry as I was at God. As depressed and hopeless as I felt, "to whom would I go?" There is no other way to me. Either I believe in Christ 100% or I am hopelessly lost. As my heart rejoiced in knowing God was caring for me in those moments in the car, I remembered a verse from the sermon at church the previous day: "Come near to God and He will come near to you" I know that God came near to me that morning and it was so very sweet.
Thank You Lord for not forgetting me. Thank You for being faithful to Your Word and promises. Thank you for holding me close in Your hand even when it feels like I am so far away.