Tuesday, September 01, 2009
I think it could break
Yesterday we all went to the park after lunch. Again, I have no idea why we haven't gone every single day of the summer, we haven't. It has been a rarity at our house. But we went yesterday. We went to the park just about 5 minutes down the street. I pushed Jamie in the stroller because Anne is old enough to walk the entire distance on her own. Anne pushed Ducky in his stroller. As she stated, "I'm pushing my baby and you're pushing your baby!" Most of the time she walked next to me in the stroller, chatting it up. As we neared the park, our conversation turned toward preschool and how she was starting in just a few more days. As the park came more fully into view, she raced ahead, pushing her stroller, excited to play. I watched go ahead of me. Watched her back and short blond hair as she walked and ran. Watched and noticed how short and small she is. Looked down at Jamie, in the stroller, a baby, unable to sit or crawl yet, completely devoted to his mama. Loving me more than anyone in the entire world, choosing to be with me over anyone or anything else. I looked back at Anne and thought about how she loves me too. She begs to play with me, with her father. She loves to be with us. She laughs and smiles when she is with us. She does not have negativity towards us that will undoubtedly come as she gets older and experiences life and begins to have different opinions as us and becomes her own person. And as I watched her walk ahead of me and thought of all that and thought of how in just 10 days she is starting preschool, one of her first steps on that journey of becoming her own person, one of the first steps that will take her out of our arms and out of baby-, toddler-, childhood, I could feel my heart start to break. I had to bite back tears, swallow them down, because in that moment I realized that these moments in my life are the best moments I will ever have. I will forever look back on this time in my life and wish I could return to it and hold it forever. This time is so very short-this time when my children love me with everything in them, this time when they are so small, so fragile, so precious, so innocent. And with Anne starting preschool, this time-although still far off-is coming to an end. My baby, the baby that I can still remember birthing like it was yesterday, is becoming a little girl and when I watched her ahead of me yesterday I was almost afraid to blink because I thought I might open my eyes and it would have all passed just that quickly.