Final Day

I am about to leave for work, for my final day. I still can't get over how weird this whole thing is. I can't believe that after today I won't have to do paperwork over Anne's naps. I won't have to think about getting up and going to work each week. I'll have the entire week to myself and Anne. Again, getting another job is definitely on the horizon as an extremely real possibility but as of right now, I'll be at a stay at home mom. This may change in an instant though if I get an interview/job offer.

I have to say I'm not looking forward to actually going into the office. Both of my friends who read this and work with me commented to me about my blog yesterday. I'm sure it's weird for them to read this and still be committed to my work and yet hear/read what I am thinking about what I am going through. They both assured me it is a hard situation for everyone and probably no one knows what to say and that is why I'm basically getting the cold shoulder. Yes, I understand that, but at the same time, I am actually living this and going through this. I have seen other people leave the office, giving notice and get a much better "going away" (if you will) than I have received so far. I know that part of it is the somewhat sudden nature of my departure and probably my part-time status there but still, it doesn't make what I'm feeling or what is the reality go away or change. It would have been a lot easier to just give notice and never go back in again, but obviously that isn't professional or to some extent ethical, and wasn't an option for me. Still, I can see the draw to doing that. (And that is if you have the luxury of being able to give notice. I know sometimes you have to quit and be done that day. I had the "luxury" of being able to give notice and I felt I had to take it.)

I feel like I'm about to go to see an old "friend" who I had a bad parting with. We both ended it badly, we don't like each other anymore, and if it were up to us we'd never see each other again. But, due to circumstances beyond our control, we have to spend sometime together in a social situation. We have to make small talk, be nice and in general pretend we like each other and pretend it's not weird. But the whole time both of us are counting the seconds til we can leave and not keep putting on a show for the rest of the world. And then we'll plan out how we can avoid each other at social functions from now on because it is just too damn awkward. That's how I feel about going into the office today. Gotta put on my smiley face and pretend this isn't one of the most awkward things I'll have to do in recent days. Gotta pretend everything is fine and dandy when honestly, I can't wait to get out of there and everyone else can't wait for me to get out of there so we can all stop pretending and start living our lives normally again.

My job was good for me while it lasted. I don't want to leave you with the impression it was a hell on earth. It wasn't. A lot of really good things came out of there-meeting John and meeting some other incredible friends there as well. My love of natural birth and breastfeeding were born there. Anne was probably born at home because I worked there and met some people who were like minded there. I am forever grateful for the knowledge and experience I gained there. I wouldn't trade my time there for a different job or a different experience. But it's over now and instead of being able to rip the band aid off in one fell swoop, I have to pull it off excruciatingly slow...