This afternoon Anne had her worst meltdown ever. I left for the entire day to attend a birth. This is the 4th day out of 5 that I left Anne with the sitter all day. I felt very badly leaving her and almost cried. When we got home, I tried to nurse her and that's where it all started. It was very strange. I tried to nurse her and she started screaming, crying and pushing away strongly. I tried the other side; same reaction. I took her upstairs, distracted her a bit, thinking it was something weird about the timing or where we were sitting. I tried again. Same reaction. Anyway, this all spiraled downward into Anne screaming and crying as loudly as I have ever heard her for half an hour straight. This was further compounded by every single act to calm and comfort her met by not only resistance, but clearly more tears because she didn't want to be comforted. It ended with me crying as well, putting Anne down in her crib, me snapping at her (ok, yelling): why did she have to act like this?, and then shutting the door hard. I then completely dissolved into crying hysterically for the next hour.
The rational side of me knows she was living on 4 days out of 5 w/o mommy, so that threw her off. she also hasn't napped the past 2 days, so she was living on 12 hours of sleep out of the past 48. She was completely tired, completely drained, and just completely in need of going bed as soon as possible. She didn't need nursing, she didn't need to be held and comforted. All she needed was to go to sleep. Within a few seconds of laying her down, she was fast asleep. Still, I feel awful yelling at my precious baby, getting mad at her. And I feel even more awful thinking and believing she was rejecting ME. My saving grace is knowing that other moms whom I believe are clearly considerably better moms than I, have also yelled at their kids, and yes even their babies. I am going to go upstairs now and apologize to my sleeping baby, then pray that I can try and not repeat this mistake again.
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2 comments:
Oh April! You're a WONDERFUL mom! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know how hard it is when you want to comfort them and meet their needs and all they really need is to sleep! Just remember, every morning is a chance to start fresh!!
I hope that you're feeling better!! It sounds like both you and Anne had a pretty tough week and it all came out that afternoon.
April, I can hear what a wonderful mother you are to Anne in the videos that you've posted-you get so excited and her face lights up. And I can see how much she means to you at work when you tell stories about her. Anne loves you very much. Keep reminding yourself that we are only human and can't help but get frustrated sometimes.
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