Tuesday, December 01, 2009


This post is a few days late but I wanted to make sure that I got it in...I have to be honest, the past few months my beautiful, glorious, emotional *high* of a babymoon has ended. Reality has set in. Jamie has gotten demanding-often clinging to my legs as I try to work, crying and fussing as if his life depends on it (which he probably thinks it does), fussing as best as he can muster when he sees me and is confined to a pack and play, and getting into things on a minute-by-minute basis. I find myself sneaking around my house when he is content-hoping he doesn't see me because the second he does his contentment ends and the fussing begins. I find myself holding my breath when I put him on the ground to play by himself, wondering if he will be happy this time or dissolve into a puddle of sorrowful baby, only happy if he is in my arms. But I also find myself enjoying immensely more than I thought I could the times he crawls around exploring our house on his 2 hands and 2 knees. I love to stand there and watch him do it, happy as a little clam, opening and closing cupboards, picking up random things, mouthing them then quick as a bug on 4 legs moving off to the next thing. We are in the next stage of baby and I am having a tougher time adjusting to it than I did with Anne. Surely by the time I figure it out he will have moved on. To add to that, Anne has been hard to deal with lately. She is full on in 3 year old sassyness and attitude. Telling us we are wrong at the littlest thing and doing it with the snot of a popular girls' clique in high school. Screaming at the top of her lungs when she gets a time out, but having to be asked and warned at least a dozen times before the time out comes. Not obeying quickly. Not obeying at all. Not remembering "rules" of the house that got her in trouble last time. And to add further reality into my mess of children and parenting, my body is trying to figure out who it is after giving birth a second time. Jamie is nine months old but my hormones are trying to sort themselves out still. They are all over the place. One day group A thinks it needs to be full blast only to realize it was too much, so the next day group A backs off but then group B thinks perhaps they need to dial it back down to zero. No one can seem to remember where their proper places were 18 months ago, before Jamie entered existence as a tiny group of cells in my womb. And so I am a helpless patron, along for the ride with no say in where we go, up, down, to the left, to the right, or perhaps in backwards circles with zig zags thrown in every 10 feet for fun.

So as where a month ago I had a list as long as my arm and emotions to go with it for what I was thankful for, as the day got here, I found my heart was not in it. So I write this post, feeling sort of hypocritical-verbalizing what I am thankful for but not quite feeling it. However, even without emotions, the reality of how blessed I am is there, and so I will give thanks:

My Faith, My Savior
The realities of my faith have become so incredibly real to me this year. I have found such incredible peace and freedom in what it means to be a Christian, to be clothed in righteousness in God's eyes, to have the blessing of Christ's forgiveness given to me. This faith brings me to tears and threatens to bring me to the ground on my knees, face in the dirt, arms raised in praise to God. I am without proper words to describe how thankful I am for Christ's sacrifice and the privilege of being in God's family now.

Our new church
Right behind my gratitude for my faith is my gratitude for our new church. We started going to Naperville Presbyterian Church about 2 months ago and it has grown our faith by leaps and bounds. In 2 short months I feel more connected to this place and this community of people than I have in other churches I've attended literally for years. I could walk in the door on Sunday morning and before I could move 20 feet I have talked to 5 different people-and not just "Hi how are you?" talk but "Hi, how is it going with ____ that you mentioned the other day." It is so refreshing. John and I are inspired on a deep level with the teaching, the preaching and the worship that we receive every week. We look forward to going to church every single Sunday and we actively take part in anything extra we can-we each are in a group separately, one together and Worship on Sunday mornings. We are like thirsty pilgrims in the dessert, having found our oasis and we are drinking as deeply as our bodies will allow, even spilling over every now and then.

My Family

Whenever I pray, I, of course, always thank God for my family. But I do it with true, heartfelt gratitude. For you see, I did not grow up in a picture perfect family. I know most, maybe if we are truthful-all, of us would say "of course you didn't-that ideal doesn't exist." But for me, I still have battle scars on my soul that although nearly healed over, occasional still hurt when touched in just the right way. And so because of this, I think I am more grateful for what I now have with John than others who might have grown up differently. I am so thankful for my husband, and I truly feel as though he is the best husband in the world. He is giving, selfless, loving, caring, concerned, and a million other adjectives that would truly describe him. I married my best friend, and I know unless an act of God calls him Home, we will grow old together-enjoying each other as much as we do now. Wistful thinking-I hope not, I don't think so...I really think we shall be in our 60s with grandkids on our knees and matching wedding rings on our fingers. And of course my children, which can bring out the worst in me, but also the very best in me. My children, first Anne, now Jamie, who were the first people on earth to show me what it means to love and to be in love. Whom I love so much, I could cry at any given moment. Whom I would give my entire life to protect and keep safe. I am so grateful to have been blessed with them. I am so glad (as we tell Anne) that God gave them to me and not a different family. I don't think we are quite done with children yet-time will tell that tale-but for right now, I am madly in love with our little family of 4.

And of course-I am thankful for loads of other things-for things that bring me joy, for hobbies, for different experiences, and for the wealth I have as an American. I am aware that all around the world, these things I take for granted are luxuries. Food, warm clothing, shelter...and it brings me full circle back to my faith and how blessed I am that God has allowed me to be born in America where these luxuries are not, they are givens.

Thank You, Father, for all the incredible blessings you have given me this Thanksgiving and everyday.

1 comment:

Erica said...

So honest and sweet...thanks for sharing.