Trusting in the storm

You may have heard yesterday that the Chicago Tribune filed for bankruptcy. This probably didn't mean much to you and you went about your day. Here in the Atwood household, however, it brought about a lot of worries-mostly that we are trying to squash and ignore. The reason is John works for the Tribune. He works for a company they own and while his company is profitable and seems to be doing well and is stable, now that the Tribune has filed for bankruptcy, it is all up in the air. Of course the Trib is promising that everything is going to go about as business as usual and at my house we are hoping this is a repeat of Kmart and, indeed, filing for bankruptcy does mean going about business as usual. However, there is always that fear...

My husband is amazing at what he does. He is extremely well respected and liked within his professional community. In theory, he would be able to get a new job in a few weeks time without even trying. But if everyone from his company is laid off and if you add some of his competitors have put up hiring freezes...well, it's worrisome...

Right now I'm trying to ignore it (which is my preferred method of coping with something I don't want to see come to pass) while at the same time obsessively thinking about what I can do to help my family financially. And being 7 months pregnant with a toddler at home, there isn't much I can do at all. There really aren't any jobs I'm in a position to take right now. And that isn't going to change for the next 6 months. Maybe in 6 months I can get a job working at our clubhouse at night a few days a week, but right now, that really isn't an option...what else can I do? Where can I save money for my family? It seems an impossible task; something my husband and I have gone over time and time again and always seem to come up empty handed. Were the worst to happen, we could easily slash a few hundred dollars off our month expenses without blinking, but we aren't there yet and thus aren't willing to make those changes. And so it leaves me worrying and obsessing.

In the midst of fears of layoffs, new jobs, and the possibility of lower income, we are met head on with more debt. We find ourselves about to start the new year owing the contractor money-a bit more than we planned for in addition to taking on a new bill that we previously thought was taken care of. It sort of adds insult to injury to us, because we finally have paid off one of the cars early and were so excited to have that extra cash to roll over into other debts and now we find this new debt is about the same as what we just got rid of, which means we just worked so hard to get right back into the same situation we just got out of.

I'm not saying that we are on the cusp of losing it; that we are worried where our next meal is going to come from; that we are going to start having to make significant sacrifices. No, I'm just saying things are piling up-as the always seem to do-one right on top of the other, all at the same time and it causes us to worry and reevaluate our financial lives.

However, in the midst of this fear and uncertainty and helplessness, I find myself being drawn back to my God and Savior. I find that still small voice speaking loudly to me in my heart, reminding me it will all be ok. I-and my family-we are members God's Family and our Father can and will take care of us. Not only that, He is Sovereign; He knows exactly what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next month, next year...He has is all planned out and held tightly in His hand. I don't know how the balance of free will works with God's Sovereignty but I do know without a doubt that absolutely nothing happens without God allowing it to happen. And I also know God is Good. And so I find myself, like the disciples on the boat in the storm, terrified, worried, and wondering why doesn't God come bale me out of this situation, and comically, all the while, my Lord is sleeping-assured in His control, goodness and love towards His-just a few feet from me. What a strange dichotomy-to have the Lord of the Universe on my side, next to me, not just ready to help, but already helping and holding me, and yet still, I can see and feel the storm and my fear seems so much more real than my sleeping Jesus.

"Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. "

Matthew 8:23-26

One phrase that has gotten me through so many difficult, trying, worrisome times in my life is this:

God is completely in control and God is completely Good.

I know both of these to be 100% true and so despite my fear and emotions, I cling to those truths.