Longing for life

My friend Cat had her baby 2 days ago. She is #2 out of four friends due any day now. After she called and told me she had the baby-a health girl, who came so differently than her first-the thought occurred to me how wonderful and beautiful that she has her little baby with her, in her arms, for Thanksgiving this year. What truer expression of the holiday than this? Then I read my friend Catherine's blog (#4 in the line-I'm #5 but so far down it doesn't count) about her thoughts on delivering in the next few weeks. And it got me to thinking about my own back growing inside of me and how I am longing for this life. Even as I type this, I have to hold baby pregnant, hormonal tears at the thought of my child being in my arms. I never really got to this stage with Anne. Mostly I wondered throughout the entire pregnancy if we had made the right choice to get pregnant. I loved her-intellectually-and I wanted her safe and healthy, but feeling it in my emotions did not come. It didn't even come after she was here, and it took me on the long end of normal to finally love her, deep in my gut. This one is so different. Like I said, mainly because of Anne. I know how much I love Anne. I know that she is my entire world and if something happened to her I don't know if I could continue to live. I know that often I love her so much I have a physical pain in my heart. I know that thinking about her and my love for her makes me cry. I have never, in my entire life, felt anything so deeply or more truly than I do my love for her. And knowing all of this, makes me long for the life inside me. I am scared senseless as what this baby is going to do to our lives. I'm terrified of the emotional changes I'm going to come upon because this baby is going to throw our perfect little, routine-ladened life upside down. I'm nervous about sleep, the birth, and breastfeeding. And yet, I long for this little one. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms for the first time, to see if it's a boy or a girl. I am excited to sit on the couch with Anne, watching our morning cartoons, and nurse this little one. I am looking forward to having him with us as we visit friends and walk around stores and run errands. I know that I am going to love this little one as much as I love Anne, and I know that my heart is going to expand to places I never thought possible, even more than it does now with my love for Anne. And like I said, even though certain things about this little one terrify me and make me question our sanity 24 and a half weeks ago, I am so looking forward to meeting and living life with this new baby.