Cold Feet

John and I are quickly approaching T-day (trying to conceive day). It's still a good 2 months away, but I get more and more nervous. At this point, if we conceive the first month, in one year I'll have a 6 week old. Wow. I'm starting to doubt our choice to have a second. I definitely want a second, that's for sure, but now that it's so close I'm getting cold feet. Do I really want to be pregnant again? Do I really want to deal with heartburn so intense that I can taste acid in my mouth in the middle of the night? Heartburn that comes every single day from almost the moment of conception. Do I really want to get so big that the last month I can't sleep more than an hour because I physically start hurting. Where it doesn't matter which side I flop to, I'm actually sore from sleeping on my side. Where I can't even touch my toes or cross my legs because my belly is so big. Do I want to have gas pains that are so intense I actually cry because it hurts so bad? And selfishly of all, do I want to give up my body for 9 months-have to give up (to some extent) my intense exercise I've fallen in love with. Do I want to contend with more than likely another 5 lbs of extra weight that I'll carry around at the end? Stretch marks over much of my body (except my calves and arms)? And once the baby is born, am I willing to give up sleep. I've come to believe, hopefully falsely, that I will have insomnia again when the baby is born. Am I ready to deal with that for the next 6 months to a year after the baby is born? Am I ready for sore nipples and engorged breasts? Am I ready to nurse full time again-8-12 times a day, "tied down" for those times, being forced to be selfless. And what if we get a crier? Anne was so super easy, but what if our next one is colicky, or doesn't sleep as well, or wants to nurse non-stop and is so attached to me I can't leave for even an hour? And most basically of all, how can I possibly love another human being as much as I love Anne? It does not seem possible. In my mind, loving someone as much as I love her means taking love away from her. I never want to do that. I know that it all works out and your heart and love grows but it seems impossible right now.

All of these thoughts run through my head, apprehension is mounting and I'm getting more scared to try. I know we will though. I know we probably won't push it back any more. I know that whatever baby we do have is 100% God's will and He gave that baby to us. I know that despite our illusion we are controlling this process, God is in charge and He always has been. The only reason we don't have a second child right now is because the Lord is Good and He has decided to bless us and allow us to wait. Knowing that truth helps, but still, I'm a nervous wreck.