Me

I am the type of person who when I am faced with something bigger than myself I want to hide and give up and never look back. When John and I fight I want to run away and leave. When my sisters and I fight I vow I will never talk to them again. And when I am having a hard time spiritually I start to doubt the existence of God. I take things to the extreme. As I get to know myself better I am starting to see that I am very black and white in all aspects of my life.

Tonight was one of those nights. I wanted to run out the door, slam it behind me, and make a dramatic exit. I wanted to yell that I was through, that I am not taking it anymore, and let's how you do without me. I wanted to go completely silent, not speak another word, and just dismiss it all. My feelings in that moment are so strong, they overtake every part of me. Despite knowing my past and knowing that my initial reactions fade, I always think that they are right and are the true answer. (Even though I know I would never do any of these things.) Then a few hours later the feelings fade and it's all over and even if I wanted to grasp those feelings again, I could not.

I am being purposefully vague. I am not talking about my marriage, but certainly what I am saying could apply to almost, really any, intense circumstance I face because this is my initial reaction every time. That's all, just purging here, hoping typing it out through my fingers will help to eliminate some of the emotional lactic acid that is festering in me as I type. Hoping that by doing this tonight maybe I won't be sore tomorrow.