Tag!

Ok, here's my first attempt at a "tag". Let's hope I'm doing it right. My friend Heather wrote a blog on how we judge ourselves harshly as mamas. Worse, we judge each other sometimes even more harshly (Confession: I am guilty of this). So, she tagged her blog readers to focus on the positive and write about what makes them a good mama for their family and their child(ren). So, here goes:

I am a good mama because I realized early on that I had to put Anne down for naps. Even if it meant letting her cry for 2 hours and she never slept, I had to put her down. Once I did this, I was a better mom because I didn't yell at my 6 week old when she cried, I didn't resent her for needing to be held, and I wasn't depressed.

I am a good mama because about a month ago Anne woke up crying...and crying...and crying. She had only been asleep an hour. I went in and held her, and in her nature, she didn't calm down or snuggle into me. Instead of getting angry and frustrated at her, like I (unfortunately) am prone to do first, I held her as she cried, until she stopped and was calm. All the while thinking "I know. You're going through such a rough time right now. There are so many changes. I know. It's so hard to deal with." I am a good mama because that might have been the first time I truly had empathy for her and really felt it deep in my gut.

I am a good mama because I have learned how deal with Anne's spitting. My dealing with it doesn't involve getting upset, irritated, frustrated, or even "disciplining" her. My dealing with it is to lower my expectation of what she will eat, stop the feeding when she says she's done, and respect that she has a right to not like or eat everything I put in front of her. This is taking a step outside my hardcore, deeply engraved analness. Something I would definitely not have done 6 months ago. I am extremely proud of this particular reason.

I am a good mama because today when we were driving for an hour to work, and Anne whined for 20 minutes instead of yelling at her to quite down like I have in the past, I found a container of crackers and threw it back to her. She instantly lit up and happily shook the container the rest of the way home.

And finally, lest you think my relationship with Anne is all irritation and yelling, I am a good mama because I love Anne more than I can explain or demonstrate. I start to cry thinking about how much I love her. When I am sad, and I think about her I immediately feel better. I actually miss Anne when I am away from her; if she's just taking a nap or I'm at work all day, I miss her. And sometimes I wonder if I am loving her too much. I have never in my life experienced the depth of love that I have for her. And that, least of all, is reason enough on why I'm a good mama.