Atwood-Family of FIVE

First baby food!

2012-02-12T14:23:00.003-06:00

Today, coincidentally 6 months exactly after we brought her home, Libby tried her first baby food! She's 7.5 months old but we waited this long 1. to be 6 months past her due date and 2. because she didn't even start full feeds in her mouth til she was nearly at her due date. So we wanted to give her the full 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding benefit if we could. As we got closer and closer to this date, my desire to give her baby food has not been that strong. I have LOVED having her as a baby and I have LOVED nursing her. It is so much more special because I had to wait 7 long weeks for it (to nurse her and to have her home with us). So putting baby food off was easy because I wanted to keep her a little baby as long as I could. But it's become fairly clear she's ready for food. She is quite grabby whenever we are eating and she has just seemed like she would like a taste of things.

Initially I really wanted to try starting her on table food. It's a long explanation of how it works, but basically you start her off on little pieces of soft food. This is supposed to keep your baby breastfeeding longer because you aren't giving her wet food so her thirst is always satisfied by the breast and you are letting her choose if she wants to eat the food or not (ie, you just put some in front of her at meal times and she can eat it if she wants or not). Well, about 2 weeks ago I put a piece of very soft potato in her mouth. Granted, I didn't let her do it herself. I didn't wait as long as I was supposed to so I wasn't following the program to the letter. But when I put it in her mouth she just sort of sat there with it in there. I got really scared that she'd choke so I decided I'd rather just stick with what I know and spoon feed her purees like I have for all my babies.

Today I blended up some organic bananas and added in some thawed breastmilk and fed it to her. She loved it! She very quickly learned to open her mouth-about 2 bites-and you could tell she just loved it. She struggled with swallowing it properly-she did several trials and errors of spitting it out or holding it in her mouth but by the end of the feeding you could tell she had gotten the jist. And afterwards, she was a S.M.I.L.E.Y. baby! I'm so happy she liked her first baby food!

Bite...

...and what do I do with this?

Very happy girl!

My babies

2012-02-12T09:34:00.004-06:00

I love this picture of Jamie (almost 3), Anne (almost 6) and Libby (7 months). It shows their personalities to a "T"! Jamie, being his goofy, life of the party, class clown kinda guy, Anne being the mature, big sister and Libby with a sweet expression on her face to match her sweet personality. If you wanted to know what my kids are like, this picture is worth a 1,000 words.

Here's another one of my entire family. When I look at this I'm sort of awed into silence. 6 years ago John and I had none of this and now we have 3 kids. I'm amazed and humbled at how full my heart and life and arms are. We are so blessed.

Goals

2012-02-12T09:13:00.002-06:00

I love resolutions but the problem is that the New Year almost always sneaks up on me before I can make some good ones. However, John and I have wanted to change our eating habits for a long time now so that is a goal we're currently working on.

A year or two ago, I wanted to start buying the "dirty dozen" of produce organically. I made up a whole plan on how I was going to do it. Epic fail. I think I lasted less than one shopping trip and I forgot it. However, there are a few things I buy organically or less processed or treated humanely and I've stuck to that for years and years. We buy our eggs humanely. They are a company called "Phil's" and are sold at Jewel. They cost over $4 a dozen but unlike other "organic" eggs these ones have the certified humane stamp on them. Meaning the chickens were treated humanely. They actually went outside, they didn't just see the open door from their coop with 12,000 other chickens. We've been buying these eggs exclusively for at least 2-3 years. Maybe once out of 30 buys I will buy a different brand-only because I'm not in a position to buy that brand at that time (read-John is insisting he have eggs and they are the only item to buy at Jewel and we've already been to 3 stores, the kids are crabby, and I'm not dragging all 3 to yet another store just for eggs.) In that case I settle for the closest possible egg I can-humanely treated and organic.

We've also started buying our meat humanely and organically. We found an amazing "local" place in IA that has an actual FARM! It's run by a guy named Nick Wallace. The cows are fed exclusively grass, they are allowed to graze all their life, they are not kept in cages and they are slaughtered humanely. I'm not one for noticing big differences in flavor from organic vs. conventional product but I can tell a HUGE difference in this meat quality. I can't describe it, it's just amazing. Having meat from Wallace farms I could never ever go back to buying my meat from the grocery store based on taste alone. The great thing about Wallace farms is they work with other "local" farmers and sell other meat that is humanely raised, slaughtered and fed properly. They have chickens that are truly free range, pork that has never ever been in a cage, and wild turkeys at Thanksgiving. The prices are pretty unbeatable too! They are only a little more than conventional meat and they are far cheaper than Whole Foods. Nick has a store front in Naperville where he ships his meat (you order in advance and there are a few a la carte items). There is a pick up 3x a week every other week or so. If you're interested, check them out. It does mean a 45 minute drive to pick up the meat but if I order enough to last a month or two it's not so bad. And actually a friend of mine goes over in that area all the time anyway so she's been picking it up for me lately. Score!

So those are the things we've been able to stick to that matches our beliefs. Here's what I'm hoping to start doing this year-and hopefully next year at this time say that we've been consistent in these areas as well.

-Creamer. John and I drink coffee every single day. It's sort of disgusting all the chemicals from creamer we're putting in our bodies. Coffeemate has started a line called "Natural Bliss". Their creamer has only a handful of ingredients-all of them whole foods. I will say, their creamer is about 3x as much as I am used to paying. So I'm hoping that other companies will start similar lines and the price will come down. I also have an amazing recipe for a cinnamon syrup that takes all of 2 minutes to make and lasts 2 weeks in the fridge. So I'm hoping to off set the price of the creamer with this syrup and organic cream.

-Yogurt. This is another item we eat all the time in our house. Again, I am disgusted that I put artificial sweeteners into my children's bodies. It's almost impossible to avoid them in yogurt unless you buy organic or "natural" (and read the labels!). Fortunately there are several brands that are organic and sell in the big tubs. The price is pretty comparable to the little containers and they are even coming out with new flavors in the big tubs! Used to be you could get plain or vanilla and that was it. I've recently seen strawberry, banana, blueberry and even maple. Plus, I recently found a brand that has the certified humane stamp on it!

-Produce. John and I would love to eat more organic produce. Specifically potatoes and lettuce. I know potatoes that are conventionally grown are pretty bad for you in terms of pesticides (they actually seep into the potato and cannot be gotten out with scrubbing or even peeling). And lettuce is a big one because it's hard to wash each piece and get the pesticides off it. My choices a few years ago for organic produce basically equaled Whole Foods which not only cost at least 3x as much as conventional but it was half an hour away and in an area I didn't go much. Now I've discovered Meijer has some amazing organic produce at amazing prices! They regularly have potatoes, apples, bananas, lettuce, carrots, broccoli, celery, and tomatoes that are organic. If you get them on sale they are even the same price as conventional! Last night I was able to get 3 heads of romaine for $2, 5lbs of potatoes for $2.50, bananas (for Libby) at 74 cents a pound and 2 lbs of carrots for $2. Pretty awesome!

So those are our food goals for this year. Like I said, I hope that a year from now I can say that we've stuck to these-that we buy creamer and yogurt "natural/organic" and more organic produce. Thanks for sticking with me on this post! I know it was long!

Big girl(s)!

2012-02-02T15:05:00.003-06:00

I recently let Anne hold Libby while standing up. She did a great job!

Now she asks to hold Libby all the time! A few days later I asked Anne how she would pick up Libby if there was some sort of emergency and no one else could carry her. She put her hand under her back and head and picked her right up off the floor into her lap! She perfectly supported her head and everything. What a great big sister!

Cookies in the tub

2012-02-02T12:50:00.003-06:00

This was taken a few weeks ago, but I thought this was the most appropriate place for 2 messy kids to eat freshly baked, ooey, gooey, chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?

Seven Months Old

2012-01-24T12:43:00.005-06:00

Libby is 7 months old today! Time is flying so fast with this one. As with all my babies, I wish I could make her stay a baby forever. Especially those times when she is cuddly and lays her head on my chest or when she smiles up at me with the biggest grin. I love those sweet times-those moments that transcend regular time and touch my heart and stay with me forever.

Libby is up to a lot of new things lately!

The biggest thing she's up to is that she is discovering that she wants things and has (some) ability to get them. She has been rolling over from her tummy to her back for quite some time and she even did from her back to her tummy several times. I think she always wondered "What's the point of this?" but lately she realizes if something is out of her reach, she can roll over and get it. She reaches and stretches for things out of her reach too. I think mobility is very close by for this little girl! As you can see, tummy time is perfect for her-she's lifting her head nice and high and even involves her arms to push herself up. She's a strong one, and with her adjusted age, she's developing perfectly on track.

Libby discovered the pacifier this week. None of my kids have ever taken one despite having pictures of all of them with one in their mouths as newborns. I've tried with every baby, with the hopes that if they took one they'd give me a few more minutes of peace and contentment. But no go. But this week Libby discovered she likes pacifiers!....to chew on...because she's getting in 3 or 4 teeth on the bottom! She's a drool fountain recently and she loves to chew on pacifiers. She especially loves these Soothies, because they have extra space to chew on.

Besides rolling and reaching and chewing Libby started making some good noises this month. She can make a raspberry noise, both with and without her tongue. When she first learned this for about a day and a half several times in the middle of eating she'd pull off and make the noise for me. Pretty darned cute, of course. She is squealing too. In fact just this morning I went on a hunt because I was sure the cat was trapped somewhere and in unbearable pain-based on the noise I was hearing. Turns out Libby learned to make a new sound and was perfectly happy doing it!

Libby's sleep is much better. We went through a really rough patch around Christmas time. We unswaddled her and with the changes in schedule (Christmas, Grandparents visiting and the Dells) she wasn't napping more than about 45 minutes a day. Sometimes I'd spend 2 hours trying to get her to nap only to have to finally give up-yes she outlasted me. My (then) 6 month old outlasted me, an adult. Oh well. But once we got home and got into our rythmm again, it's been much better. I can count on 2 naps a day of at least an hour apiece. Sometimes she'll really treat me and give me one that's 2 or 3 hours. I love those days.

We still haven't started food and don't plan to for another few weeks. I figure that since she was premature and since she wasn't on full mouth feeds til nearly her due date, it made sense to wait til she was 6 months past her due date to start. So we'll be embarking on that journey next month more than likely.
And here's just one more picture of my adorable 7 month old baby-quite possibly the sweetest girl on the planet.

How far we've come....

2012-01-15T13:51:00.004-06:00

My name is April and I'm beyond obsessed with comparing pictures. So you shouldn't be surprised at me posting some more. I was struck this week as I took the second picture below how much it reminded me of the first picture. And it reminded me how far we've come...we went from a 5lb baby in a hospital, being taken care of mostly by nurses and strangers, being fed through a tube in her nose and my other 2 children at home being watched by a babysitter for 8 hrs a day 4 days a week to where we are now-which is my family together, whole, thriving, healthy and happy. What an amazing blessing. To not only be where we are today but to see how far we've come and how faithful God has been to us.

Sleeping Beauties

2012-01-13T15:24:00.003-06:00

Kids, especially babies, find the funniest ways to sleep....

She took off her own socks because she's beyond obsessed with her toes.

We often come in to get her and find her with her limbs through the bars. How does she so consistently manage this?

Totally stretched out...this is one of many reasons why I couldn't sleep in the same bed with a baby-space hog!!

And not to be out done-the other day during his nap, he must have been playing, decided he was tired and laid down right in the middle of the floor and fell asleep. I opened the door, saw him, and ran to get the camera. His eyes are open a slit because he was waking up by this point.

A son-in-law already??

2012-01-11T18:39:00.002-06:00

Today Anne asked Jamie who he was going to marry. He said Annie. She said, "No, you can't marry me. I'm already going to marry someone."

I said, "Who are you going to marry?"

Anne: "Flinn. But I haven't told him yet."

Fortunately Flinn is just about the cutest little kid (he's in her class) ever.

Anne'cdotes-She's still got 'em

2012-01-11T18:37:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted one of these and truth be told it's because having 3 kids makes life so darned busy!! But here's one Anne just said minutes ago:

"Mommy-I love God first, then you, then Libby, then Daddy, then Jamie. No, I love God first, then you then Libby then Daddy then the new baby then Jamie."

Haha! Poor Buddy, getting the shaft. And to clarify-I am not pregnant, nor trying, nor hoping. Anne just knows that some day in the future we want to add a 4th child to our family.

Our very first, on our own, family vacation!

2012-01-07T18:43:00.003-06:00

John and I and the kids have been on a few "vacations" together. When Anne was 17 mos old we went on a cruise...with his parents (they were a life saver!). When Anne was nearly 4 and Jamie nearly 1 we went to Disney Land and spent a week in CA visiting friends. Again, his parents helped out. We've stayed over for several one nighters-at a beach, at a cottage on the lake, etc. But nothing long term or by ourselves. We just got back from what we consider our first vacation!

John and I and all the kids went to Wisconsin Dells for 4 days! We got there on Sunday afternoon and left on Wednesday morning. We stayed at an indoor water park and we all had so much fun! It actually wasn't too bad juggling the kids. We picked a water park that was meant for little kids. So Jamie could go on every slide except 3 and Anne could go on every one except one. John and I alternated between one of us holding Libby and watching one other kid and the other going down slides with the leftover kid. Once or twice John or I would take Libby back to the room to put her down for a nap while the other one of us stayed with Anne and Jamie. Libby was (mostly) perfectly content to be held the entire time.

The last day, in the middle of the day, she had had enough of not napping and she screamed her head off, unable to be comforted (even by nursing!!) and we just put her in the stroller and put a blanket over the top to block out all sights and muffle the sounds. She fell asleep with minimal fussing after about half an hour and slept for an hour and a half. After that she was her normal, happy, baby self. After this vacation I think we're planning on going back every year! Next year Libby will be 18 months and although she won't be able to go on any slides, she'll be happy to play in the 2 little baby sections they had (and actually Anne had a blast in the one baby pool which had squirters, slides, and a little playground in it). All in all it was a great time and turned out better than I think we expected.

All of us ready to go! I bought this water sling a few weeks before and boy am I glad I did! And am I glad Libby found a position she loves in it! I was able to hold her without my arms getting tired for hours on end. And it freed up my hands to catch Anne and Jamie at the bottom of slides. Without this sling I think it would have been much more of a frustration to have a baby with us.
Libby in her swim suit. Trust me, she was about 100x cuter in person, if that's even possible!

On the car ride home. Believe it or not, Libby was a great car rider (is that a word?) She slept the first half on the way there and she did cry for most of the second half of the way there. But the way home she slept half of it and was awake the other half and really didn't fuss at all except the last 20 minutes or so. Here she is looking a book (Thank you Nicole-yes this was Anne's baby shower gift-we still have it!).

Always getting bigger....

2012-01-07T18:38:00.003-06:00

I took this picture just a month ago...

And I took this one today...
Not a ton of change but you can see for sure she's getting bigger!

Libby's Christmas

2012-01-07T16:13:00.005-06:00

I'm kicking myself that I didn't get a good picture of Libby by the tree...or in her Christmas outfit...but I suppose that's the right of a 3rd born...I did however (well John if we're being accurate) catch some good action shots of her opening one of her gifts!

Mother Duck Said, "Quack, quack, quack, quack..."

2012-01-07T16:02:00.003-06:00

Like every year, we spent our Christmas Eve at the zoo this year. Libby has been to the zoo 2x now and she only was able to really see a few animals but the cute part of the visit was having the kids line up against the pictures of life sized dolphins. I thought when they were all lined up they looked like a line of ducks and it made me think of the song where the mother duck quacks for all her ducks to come back. Fortunately all my little chicks stayed with me and didn't go "over the hills and far away"!

Way Behind

2012-01-06T22:19:00.002-06:00

There are lots of things I want to blog about-on the forefront of my mind are Christmas and Wisconsin Dells and resolutions. But as proof that I am quite far behind in blogging-I started a post about a week ago about how Libby has not been napping well. The past 2 days she's back to napping normally so I suppose that's a blog I can scratch. Hopefully I can catch up soon!

Half a year!

2011-12-25T22:03:00.003-06:00

Libby is 6 months old! Half a year! Wow! How did that happen? How did 7 weeks in the hospital seem like an eternity (truly-an eternity!) and yet the past 4.5 months at home have passed like a blink of an eye! I LOVE to see Libby grow-with every baby I have, I notice their development more and more so it's so much fun to see all that Libby is learning but I am so sad that she's half way to leaving her babyhood behind. She is an AMAZING baby! She is so sweet and cuddly and easily comforted. She loves to be held and nursed and rocked and talked to. She loves to stare at you, and smile and coo. She loves to put toys and her fingers and your fingers and most recently her toes in her mouth. It's so sad to me to think that in another blink of an eye (6 more months) I'll be celebrating her birthday. If I could bottled up even one day with her as a baby and save it forever I would. I love you so very much baby girl. More than you will know-in fact you can't know how much I love you until you are holding your own precious baby in your arms. I love you sweetie! You are one of the best blessings and gifts I've ever gotten in my life. I am grateful for you every second of the day. I am so in love with you I don't know how I ever made it without you. Hugs and kisses and happy 6 months!

I wonder...

2011-12-10T13:11:00.002-06:00

I am not so arrogant or self absorbed as to think that God had something planned for just *me* with Libby's stomach and surgeries and hospital stay. And what I mean is that I don't think God thought about giving Libby to us in the way she was born and thought "Gee, I really want to teach April something" or "Gee, this is what I want April to get from this." I realize that what Libby went through reaches far beyond me and maybe even over me...maybe He is using this to teach Libby's grandchildren who I will never meet...I don't know. But I do know it's not all about me.

Still, I found myself wondering today if maybe one small reason I got Libby when I did and how I did was because He gifted me with the ability to love and enjoy her more than I would have otherwise...meaning she is my 3rd child and having a 3rd child has been about 10x harder than I thought it would be. Perhaps had she been born a normal healthy baby I'd be annoyed with her at times or wonder if having a 3rd when we did was the right choice...but having her spend so long in the hospital and having me pray so much and so often for her, I have never taken one moment of these past nearly 4 months of her being home for granted. I have not once wished her away, even for a moment so life could be easier. I know that I love my children equally but somehow what she went through makes me treasure her more. And maybe that was a little gift from God to help me transition better to 3 kids. Thank You.

Witnessing

2011-12-09T17:20:00.002-06:00

Today I was playing Barbies with Anne. She pretended that one of the characters fell off a house and died (side note-it's pretty amazing how Anne's plots have crazy twists and turns that come out of no where, lead to nothing and are beyond belief). I (the mother character), went to grieve and when I came back my daughter was gone(unbeknownst to me she had somehow gone into the ocean and turned into a mermaid-duh). Like any good mother I called the police. When the police officer arrived, I told him that my daughter had fallen off a house and died but her body was gone. The rest went like this:

He said (and his character was played by Anne): "Well, she went into Heaven".
Mother: "Her body too?"
Police officer: "Yes, that happens all the time in my world."
Mother: "It doesn't in mine."
Police officer: "Well, have you ever heard of the man who died on a cross? He died so that we don't have to die on a cross. We just get to go to heaven. You just have to believe in Him and when you die you get to go to heaven. It's easy. Otherwise you have to have holes in your body before you can go to Heaven."

While her theology has some holes in it, I was surprised and pleased and so happy to hear that she has the basic concept of Christian salvation down. Of course this makes me happy as a Christian, but I'm also amazed on an intellectual level that she is able to some-what understand this. By the way, wasn't is nice of that police officer to witness to the mother? We should all be like that!

Nice job Anne!

Bathtime!

2011-12-05T09:32:00.004-06:00

I always take a monthly picture of the kids when they are babies, but this time I thought it'd be cute and neat to occassionally take a picture of Libby in the bath-just to see how much she's grown. I have posted one like this before but here's the latest installment:

Right home from the hospital-about 7 or 8 weeks old

About 18 weeks old-close to her 4 month birthday.

Taken this morning-she just turned 5 months old 10 days ago and is 23 weeks old.

It is truly shocking to me how quickly she is growing up! Those days in the hospital passed at a snails pace and it seemed impossible that she would ever be out of there, be well, or grow and here she is-home, growing, thriving and happy! What a blessing!

Bubbles!

2011-11-28T12:56:00.002-06:00

Today Libby saw bubbles for the first time. She's seen them a few times in storytime at the library but they've never caught her eye. But today she noticed them. How neat to have captured her expression on film!

5 months old!

2011-11-27T22:03:00.003-06:00

Happy (belated) 5 months to my baby girl! She is a "whooping" 10lbs 11oz and 24 inches long. She's not on the charts for weight but her height puts her at about the 10th percentile.

She can lift her head 90 degrees, roll over when she wants to, smile, and coo. And she loves her hands. A lot. It's pretty funny when she tries to nurse and suck on her fingers at the same time. If she's awake, her hands are in her mouth about 90% of the time.

New this month she is grabbing her feet-the first time she did it she got the BIGGEST grin on her face because she'd been watching those toes for a week at least and she finally got them!
She is sitting more and more steadily-she tried out the bumbo this week and did awesome in it.
She kicks up a storm when she gets excited. And just in the past few days she is starting to grab toys purposefully. Once she gets a toy in her hand, she puts it in her mouth by reflex.

So much fun to see her grow. Already I don't recognize the baby she was when she came home 3 and a half months ago.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T09:59:00.003-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving and I can say definitively that this year, more than any other year in the past 30, I am truly, deeply, wholeheartedly thankful. 5 months ago today, my daughter Elizabeth Winifred Grace, was born 6 weeks early. She was held for a minute or two and then whisked to a nursery where tubes were put in her body, IVs inserted through her belly button, monitors on her chest. Within 2 hours of her birth she was transported to a hospital 50 miles from my home. I did not see her again for 24 hours. I did not hold her for another 3 days.

Most women give birth to healthy babies. I did, 2x before. You get pregnant expecting to have a healthy baby. After all, what is the number one response to a parent's wish for their child? That he or she is healthy. We all give a nod to the trails that other parents go through when a child is born with difficulties but we don't expect it to happen to us. It happened to me and it happened to our family and it happened to our baby girl. And yet, we only got the smallest taste of what it's like to have a sick baby. Our daughter wasn't as sick as nearly every other baby in her NICU. She didn't have to stay as long as other babies there. Although her 7 weeks there were unbearable and broke my heart every day, she wasn't there as long as Oliver, who was celebrating his 6 month birth day when Libby moved into his room. She wasn't there as long as her last roommate, who was born with the same condition but wouldn't be able to have it operated on until he was 6 weeks old because he had other things wrong with him. She wasn't as sick as the baby we met after her second surgery who was scheduled to have heart surgery the next day and whose mother I ran into in the hospital a month after we had been discharged. She doesn't have any lasting conditions and she is and will be a healthy, normal, perfect girl in every way.

And so this Thanksgiving I am more thankful than I ever have been before. I am thankful for my three children who give me great joy and have grown me and taught me in ways I know I never would have been before them. I am especially thankful for Libby because she is healthy, she is home with us, and because God was so faithful to us throughout her entire time in the hospital and continues to be faithful to us now. I am thankful for my husband who is so incredibly supportive, loving, kind and good. And as said, I am thankful for my God, who despite giving us a daughter who needed surgery, gave us so much more through that ordeal. He was so close, so sweet, so real to us, to me and for that I am very thankful.

Today as you celebrate with your family and friends I hope you will feel as thankful as I am today.

Happy Thanksgiving

Magic

2011-11-23T14:22:00.002-06:00

My dear little Libby,
Enjoy this time while you are close to me. When with a few sucks you are calmed and held and loved. This is the only time in your life when something is so magical that it will fix every problem in the world for you. One minute you are crying so hard tears pour down your eyes and screams come from your chest. Your world is awful and horrible and terribly out of whack. The next instant you are held and soothed and nursing and like a magic wand was waved your world is 100% right. This time will go so quickly that you won't be able to remember the time when all was made okay by simply being held and loved. I have a secret...my world is made right when I am holding you. When you are nursing, and calm, and comforted and being loved in such a tangible way, my world stops, my problems fade, and everything is perfect for me too.
I love you,
Mommy

Handme Downs

2011-11-14T13:29:00.004-06:00

One of the fun things about having multiple kids is they wear hand-me-downs. I love seeing Libby wearing stuff Anne wore. It brings back such fun memories. They both wore this outfit-right around the same time too!

5 and a half!

2011-11-07T19:54:00.003-06:00

Anne is 5 and a half now! She's getting to be such a big girl. She's in kindergarten everyday for half a day. Next year I tackle for the first time ever full time school! I am so grateful, though, that God made 5 and a half year olds still love their mothers the best out of anyone. Granted, Anne would drop me like a hot potato for a chance at a playdate with a friend, but she still loves to play with me. The other day she wanted to play a pretend game. I've started putting my foot down on this because, truth be told, I'd rather Anne play dentist with me with working dental tools than play a pretend game. So I told her that I didn't want to play a pretend game but I'd do a puzzle or board game or book instead. She said "I don't care. I just want to play with you." Oh wow, that melted me like none other. I know my days of that are painfully numbered.

A few years ago I started the tradition of getting to choose the meal on your half birthday. I would have let the kids pick a dessert for me to make but Anne's half birthday is the day before Halloween so I figured we'd have enough candy and sweets that we didn't need another dessert. This year Anne choose KFC, mashed potatoes and gravy, and her hands down all time favorite, mac and cheese. Since Libby's half birthday is on Christmas Eve I wonder if next year we'll have to figure out a new tradition or if that day will be laid back enough for us to let her pick her meal (and actually our Christmas Eves have traditionally been reserved for our little immediate family of 5-so it's quite possible she may get to pick her dinner).

Anne was pretty excited to turn five and a half; she even figured out how to make a half sign (that she invented of course).

She's so itty bitty...

2011-11-04T18:56:00.002-05:00

When Libby was born and during her stay in the hospital, I thought her prematurity wouldn't affect her in the least. In fact when she came home at 7 weeks old I thought she acted pretty much like a typical 7 week old. As she's gotten older, however, it's become apparent that her prematurity has delayed her, as expected. After all, a 7 week old and a 1 week old probably act pretty similar-they both basically just lay there, stare, eat, poop, and sleep. But now that she's technically 4 months old it's easy to see she isn't acting like a 4 month old. She cannot lift her head more than 45 degrees, she cannot roll over, she cannot purposefully grab things and she certainly can't put them in her mouth with any degree of purpose. She makes the most adorable vocalizations and her smile lights up my day but she can't laugh yet. I think most 4 month olds are doing these things...but...a 3 month old is just starting to discover these things and that's where my baby girl is at. Libby's due date was August 3rd and yesterday was 3 months past her due date. Libby is sure acting like a 3 month old! She just, this week, started lifting her head to a 45 degree angle and she started clasping/bring her hands together. Today for the first time I caught her studying her hands! And when I try and make her laugh you can tell she wants to so badly but can't figure it out yet. And her weight, about 9lbs 12oz, is ridiculously small for a baby over 4 months old (it's well below even the 3rd percentile), it's not so horrible for a 3 month old. She's just about on the 5th percentile line when you adjust her age.
So while I'm still going to celebrate her monthly birthdays according to the day she was born, I need to start thinking about her as her adjusted age, which is just a day over 3 months old.

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-04T18:51:00.003-05:00

Happy (belated) Halloween from...

The Little Mermaid and Thomas the Train...

...and our little sweetheart!

She's growing!

2011-11-03T22:07:00.006-05:00

Look how much Libby has grown the past 2 months. The first picture was taken when she'd been home about 2 weeks (she was about 9 weeks in the picture) and the second picture was taken about 2 months later when she was about 18 weeks old. Libby is flourishing at home!

As a side note, I noticed this as I posted these pictures, look how well her scar is healing. In the first picture it's still quite red and raised up on the ends. In the second picture it is smooth and has faded quite a bit. She'll always have it and it will always be noticeable but it's nice to see how well it's healing up.

Juicing Power!

2011-10-31T08:47:00.003-05:00

John and I watched a documentary the other night called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". We are suckers for these kinds of movies. This movie, was just like countless other documentaries we've watched before it. Someone starts out to change his healthy by eating uber healthy. This guy was pretty extreme. He drank/ate nothing but juice (fresh from actual vegetables juiced in a juicer) for 60 days! Wow! And then he continued on healthy eating-eating a huge percentage of his diet from plants and the rest from whole grains and nuts and seeds, very very little animal product. In the end he lost about a 100 lbs. He met someone who joined him on his journey and this man lost 200 lbs. Wow! In addition, these men were able to get off all medication, some of it for chronic autoimmune diseases, simply by eating super healthy and letting the amazing nutrients in plants and veggies cure them. It was inspiring nonetheless.

I am not to that level. Perhaps if I didn't have a family I could dedicate the time it takes to juice all the time. But even though John and I were excited by this film, we know that any change we make right now is temporary. The logistics of having a young family dictate that some days we just survive. And survival very often means doing the best we can-fast food hamburger with a side salad or pasta with red sauce or soup. And while we strive to feed ourselves and our kids healthy, we just cannot be up to the level of the movie right now. And that's okay.

Nonetheless, this morning, inspired by the movie and by John's determination, we made juice. I did this a lot while I was pregnant. It helped to...ugh...stave off a not so fun pregnancy symptom....you know the one where I get to visit with my friend....named "John", the short white guy...many hours were spent sitting on...err...with him...you get the point. Anyway, when I juiced my visits to the John were a lot more pleasant so I did it. Since she's been born we haven't juiced much at all. But this week our fridge is loaded with produce and we're ready to juice every single day! This morning we made ABC Juice from the reboot program website, the website the man in the documentary set up explaining how you can "reboot" your nutrition.

ABC Juice
2 pears
2 apples
2 beets
3 carrots
1 cup cabbage
3 cups chard (I used 4 large leaves and hoped that was enough)

Juice up in your juicer and enjoy! This is a pretty high calorie drink. It makes at least 24oz and the entire thing is 430 calories. If this was your breakfast or lunch-great! Down it! But for me, knowing I'll eat something else, I split this with John.

The ingredients for our juice this morning.

The finished product. Perfect color for today being Halloween. I told the kids it was "blood juice"!

3 Little Pumpkins...

2011-10-28T08:08:00.002-05:00

We carved pumpkins this past weekend. Jamie had his first real experience doing it. Last year he was only 20 months and didn't getting it nor did he participate much. This year he was elbow deep in pumpkin guts. Anne was so big this year that we think next year she might actually be able to carve her very own pumpkin if the design is simple enough! And Libby...well let's just say that Libby would have rather been anywhere else....and in the end that's where she was!

Trying to involve Libby...

Trying to pacify Libby....

But in the end she was banished to the swing upstairs where she quickly fell asleep!

Our finished products-from left to right-Anne's pumpkin-a ghost. Carved by John and by far the best one. Libby's Pumpkin-a heart because she's our little sweetie. Jamie's pumpkin-a spider-carved by me with a pathetically deformed body. Fortunately Jamie doesn't notice.

4 Months Old!

2011-10-24T22:06:00.004-05:00

Libby is 4 months old! She's been home with us 10 weeks now. Times has flown by. I still think of those first 7 weeks of her life with incredible pain and sadness. I have a hard time going there, thinking about what she went through and what we went through to finally have her home with us. Libby is so special to me and I feel so incredibly blessed that she is ours. I truly think that *she* was a special gift-given to us to make all that we had to go through worth it because, oh boy, is she worth it.

A friend emailed me today and let me know that her sister had a baby who is going through some serious medical complacations. The baby was born this week and is facing a genetic diagnosis that will affect her for the rest of her life. More seriously though, she is facing kidney damage and a heart problem that could result in a heart attack, heart surgery, or even the loss of this baby's legs. What a terrible start to such a precious life and family. Reading this story brought back so many memories of our time in the NICU and knowing what this family is going through was such an eye opener that as hard as it was for us, we were so blessed that Libby's issue was so incredibly minor, easy to fix and not in the least a lasting issue. I will pray for this family and hope that you will think of them and pray for them too. God is good, all the time, even when we have a hard time seeing it or believing it or trusting it.

Fall Leaves

2011-10-16T22:03:00.004-05:00

My hands down favorite thing to do with the kids out of every tradition is leaf piles. I LOVE raking the leaves, getting the pile big and then letting the kids have at it. A bonus is that every single year-for the past 4 years-these times have given me my most treasured pictures of the kids. Must be the great fall colors, golden sunlight and truly happy smiles that make them so wonderful.

Wow-my 3 kids...I feel so blessed to have such gorgeous, happy, healthy, thriving kids.

2 and a half

2011-10-10T15:41:00.002-05:00

Jamie turned 2 and a half about 6 weeks ago. I'm usually soo good about taking their pictures but with Libby coming home only 2 weeks before he turned 2 and a half, school starting and the chaos of 3 kids it slipped by. But better late than never, and close enough that it still is accurate of what he looks like at 2 and a half. He has grown SO much since turning 2...just look!

2 years old

2 years, 7 months old

3 months old!

2011-09-26T12:02:00.003-05:00

Libby is 3 months old! She's been home with us for a little over 6 weeks now. She weighed 8lbs 5oz over the weekend which doesn't sound like a lot but when you break it down, she has gained over 3lbs since her birth (babies gain an average of 1-2 lbs per month) and since we've brought her home she has gained 2lbs 6oz in just 6 weeks! That's pretty rapid growth! That just affirms that home is where she needed to be and where she belongs.

Some of the new things she's doing this month: she is a great smiler! She smiles with her whole mouth. Wide mouthed, eyes light up! She loves to smile mostly for mommy though she will smile for just about anyone who will spend a few minutes ohhing and ahhing over her. She is making adorable little cooing noises that I am absolutely in love with. When I talk with her, after a few minutes she joins in the conversation and couldn't be cuter. Libby loves her brother and sister and will often stop crying if they just come over and play with her. While on her tummy Libby can lift her head about 45 degrees though after just about 3-5 minutes she's pretty over the whole tummy time thing. She can roll onto her side too. She can sometimes grab toys that are hanging over her if both her and the toy are in the perfect position. She is starting to put her hands in her mouth and just this week has started sucking on them in a deliberate effort to self soothe.

Right now she is only waking up once a night. It's been really nice that she is getting onto a more regular baby schedule. She goes down between 6:30 and 7 (though some nights it still takes her 2 hours and lots and lots of nursing and cuddling and rocking to get her to sleep) and is awake for the day about 6:30-7:30. She takes 3-4 naps a day, one of them usually 2-3 hours long the rest are about an hour. Libby feeds anywhere from 8-12 times a day. If we're staying close to home she does less but if we're out and about she tends to want more comfort and will nurse sometimes 3x in just 2 hours! But I am just so thrilled that she is nursing, gaining, thriving, that I have no problem at all nursing her on demand anytime she needs it.

As far as her personality, we were able to see practically from day one that Libby is a very sweet girl. I'm not sure what that will look like as she gets older but that's the only way I can describe her. Sweet. She is calm, cute, loves to look at you, cuddle, give smiles. She's a sweet girl. We are so blessed she's in our family and so happy she's been home for so long now and is doing so well.

Swinging Babes

2011-09-26T10:00:00.004-05:00

You know me...I love to compare pictures. Here's the 3 kiddos, all as babies, all swinging in the same swing...

Anne just a few weeks old

Jamie about a month old

Libby 3 months old (she wouldn't let us take a picture before this because she'd scream and scream in the swing! She liked it this morning though)

2 months old

2011-08-28T19:26:00.003-05:00

Libby turned 2 months old the other day! It is hard to believe she's two months old because 1. she's only been home with us for 2 week and 2. because of her prematurity she acts like a 3 week old (she's 3 weeks past her due date now). Still, she is 2 months old and in some ways she does act like it. At 2 months old she weighs 6lbs 8oz and is 20 inches long. She has gained 1.5-2lbs since her birth and 1.5 inches in length. Since she has been home John and I have seen so much growth in her both physical and mental. We can tell she has gained weight and is a sturdier baby than she was just 2 weeks ago. We can also tell, without a doubt, that she likes being home much better than at the hospital. She is growing better here at home and she just seems...happier, more content. She has started to look around and notice things these past 2 weeks. She is starting to make cooing noises and she has started to use her hands for comfort. She can track objects 180 degrees while on her back. She can lift her head and turn it from side to side while on her tummy. She can turn to noises that she hears. She also has a very clear preference for me. When she is fussing, either by herself or while someone else holds her, and I take her she immediately stops fussing. She rarely likes being held by anyone else for any length of time and quickly starts to cry until I get her. She is eating 10-12 times a day and I'm happy to say that we are really blessed that she is nursing exclusively. She is awake for just about an hour before she's ready for a nap and then she sleeps for about 2 hours. I wake her from her naps to eat so I don't know how long she would sleep if I let her. She wakes up 2x a night to eat (again we wake her). Usually once a day she has a nice alert period where she's awake and looking around and we can get in a good "play" session. I like her the best during those times. I love seeing her awake and looking at me and trying her hardest to engage with me and the kids and John. She loves being carried in the wrap or sling and will fall asleep almost instantaneously in it. I have started thinking about her as a 3 week old, not a 2 month old (because of the prematurity) and as you can see, in a lot of ways she is much closer to that than her actual age.

We love having her home. It is truly everything I dreamed about every second of every day she was away from us those 7 weeks. I feel so blessed to have her with us and to see her grow and thrive. Happy 2 months baby girl!

Now you tell me they aren't twins born 5 years apart!

2011-08-24T18:55:00.002-05:00

Anne 2 weeks old (though very much the same size as Libby below)

Libby 7 weeks old

(Look at how they hold their legs and hands-identical! Anne's a bit more newborn in her picture but I look at Libby in the tub and flash back to Anne)

School for Buddy

2011-08-24T18:48:00.003-05:00

Anne started kindergarten last week and Jamie was devastated. We walked her to school and the entire time he kept saying he wanted to go too. I told him that he couldn't go and it was just for Anne. He must have thought there was still hope because as soon as our house came into view, he lost it. He fell to the ground and sobbed and screamed that he wanted to go. Total melt down. Poor guy. For the entire rest of the day and the next all he could keep saying was he wanted to go too. He'd be in the middle of playing and turn to me with the saddest look on his face and say "I want to go to kindergarten too". So to pacify him we reminded him that he would start preschool Sunday school that week! He is 2 and it's the start of a new school year so he got to move up a classroom at church. Birth to age 2 is in a nursery but age 2 and up are in real classes. Jamie's class has play time, a story, a snack and then a craft. John and I take a Sunday school class too so Jamie's total time in his "preschool" is about 2.5 hours, similar to real preschool. When Bible study starts up again in 2 weeks Jamie gets to do "preschool Kids' club", which is the identical format for about 2 hours. So even though school is officially another year off for him, at least he gets to put his toe in and be a big boy 2x a week.

Jamie's first day of preschool Sunday School!

She's Home!

2011-08-24T18:35:00.003-05:00

Libby is home!

Which is why I don't have any time to blog about it! Libby came home 12 days ago. It was quite a whirlwind of emotion. I was pretty nervous the entire first 2 days she was home. I would actually stop and put my hand on her about every 30 minutes, regardless of where she was, just to make sure she was breathing. (In fact, I still do that but I've pared it down to when she's sleeping.) Now I have gotten used to her and feel very comfortable with her.

The kids love her-Jamie is infatuated with her. His first words when he wakes up are that he wants to go see "Bibby". Every time he has something new, he has to run over and show her, even if he just picked up a new toy to play with from his pile of toys in his room. I love it and I really hope that it continues and she and Jamie have a special bond as they grow. Anne loves her too. Anne is a little mother so she's always running over and talking to Libby in an adorable high pitched voice. She is my go with the flow girl so as with everything, she has taken Libby being home in stride, without missing a beat.

I love having her home. I wasn't able to truly bond with her in the hospital or in fact to truly love her while she was there. Now that she's home, I am so in love with her. I am able to enjoy her in a way I wasn't able to with the other 2 kids. Probably because we spent so much time apart. I don't mind when she needs me to hold her for an hour so she can nap. I don't mind rocking her for half an hour, putting her down to sleep and having to go back in and rock her 5 minutes later when she startles awake. It doesn't bother me when she needs to be worn in the sling because putting her down means she screams her head off. She is teaching me to let go of my control and enjoy her. I am loving it. I feel so blessed to have her and I know the 7 weeks of pain and tears and fears and questioning and wondering and waiting were worth it because in the end I got Libby. I know this babymoon won't last forever but I am certainly enjoying it while I have it.

School Pictures!

2011-08-23T11:17:00.006-05:00

I have a lot of catching up to do but first let me say Anne started kindergarten on Thursday last week! I officially have a child in the elementary school system! Wow! How did that happen? Really? When did she grow up on me? Here is her kindergarten picture and, of course, because I love to include these, here she is since she was 2 starting her first days of school.

Starting "Preschool Sunday School" when she was 2

3 year old preschool

4 year old preschool

Kindergarten at age 5

So scared

2011-08-11T07:23:00.002-05:00

If all goes well Libby will be released from the hospital tomorrow morning at this time. John and I will drive in, sign what needs to be signed, listen to what needs to be said, walk down with our child unattached to monitors while a nurse walks beside us, click her into the car, get in and drive home. With only our daughter. For the very first time. At 7 weeks old. And I am so scared. On so many levels. I am so scared that something is going to happen in the next 24 hours to prevent her from coming home-that perhaps even as I write this, unknown to me, the doctors and nurses know tomorrow won't be the day for us. I am scared that as we walk to the car with the nurse keeping an eye on Libby that she'll do something that will cause concern and we'll have to turn around and make the most awful walk of shame back into the hospital. I am scared that once we get her in the car and get her home, we won't know how to take care of her. Because although she is a normal, healthy baby, she is a special case. She does have bradacardias when she eats sometimes. She has a hard time gaining weight. She has acid refulx that can cause a whole host of other problems. I am scared that we'll do something-not feed her correctly, not listen well enough at night, not treat her exactly as she needs to be treated-and she will get hurt...or worse. I am scared I won't know how to take care of her to make her grow and thrive. And that's not just new mom talk, that's real life, my daughter has medical issues (at least for a while) talk.

I know within a few days or weeks of her being home, I'll be as confident as if she'd been born in my house and lived with us ever sense. I just need to get used to my daughter. I need to get to know her. I need to know what a smile that dips up on the left as opposed to the right means. I need to know what an eye roll in the middle of a feed means versus when she wakes up. I need to learn the difference between red faces from pooping, stretching or waking up. I need to learn the cry from hunger, boredom, or calling out for her brother and sister. I need to learn if she likes the wrap better or the sling better. I need to learn how she likes to be held while she eats. I need to spend time with her and learn who she is. Because honestly, I don't know that yet. I can't know it. No one who's had a baby in the NICU can know their child yet. Because as much time as you spend with them in the NICU-and trust me it's precious little-it is a fraction, a mere fraction-to what you spend with a healthy child that goes home with you when its born. So my daughter is 7 weeks old tomorrow and I only know her as though I just met her.

Of course I look forward to these first few days home with her. They will be so very precious. Introducing her to her brother for the first time. Letting her feel sunlight on her skin for the very first time. Having a breeze hit her face for the first time. Holding her in my bed after she eats for the first time. Walking around the house in the middle of the night trying to get her to go back to sleep for the first time. Taking her for a walk for the first time. I know all these firsts will be so precious-so much more so because I have dreamed about them so many times these past 7 weeks. But I look forward, so much more, to the day when she is a fat happy baby. When she can sit on her own, and roll over, and eat without worry. Because then I think I can truly enjoy her and not worry so much.

So these next 24 hours will be ones of great nerves and anticipation and fear. We shall see what they bring about....my daughter home to me at last or more time away? Either way she will be home. And it will be sooner than I think. But even at 24 hours away, it seems so far and so long.

All is right with the world...for just a moment

2011-08-08T17:59:00.003-05:00

Libby nursed for the first time on Saturday. I was so thrilled and consider it a personal gift from God that she latched on and ate right away. This after not eating anything by mouth since she was born til she was nearly 5 weeks old and then having a bottle for 9 straight days. I thought the best I could hope for was that she'd glance at the breast. I had zero expectation that she would actually take it in her mouth, let alone suckle, let alone actually feed! Through all of this, I have felt that Libby being a girl was a gift from God-I so wanted another little girl and would have loved a boy as much as I love Jamie but giving me a girl I felt was a little touch from Above. And now letting Libby nurse was another gift in all this pain and chaos and uncertainty.

I have nursed her about 6 or 7 times now and although she for sure needs to work on perfecting her latch and I want her exclusively at the breast and not on bottles, it has been lovely every time she has nursed.

Twice now she has eaten her fill, come off and I've put her over my shoulder to burp her. She curls her little tiny legs into her body and she is as small as she was when she was inside me (she isn't even 6lbs yet after all). Her tiny little toes rest on my chest and her head lays over my heart. I hold her-one arm under her little butt that is so small I almost lose it and the other pats her back. She lays her head down and breathes in so calm and content and soothed. I lay my head against hers and close my eyes. And for that one moment, while she is happy and calm and content and my heart is slowed and full, among the beeping of machines and the voices of strangers and the cries of sick babies, all is right with the world. For just that one moment.

Naughty Anne'cdotes

2011-08-05T22:26:00.002-05:00

We were leaving Meijer (the greatest grocery store on earth for those with kids) today and Anne saw the carts w/ the TVs in them. She said she wanted to go in one and trying to justify why I could never spend $1 on a cart just so she could watch TV while I shopped for 45 minutes I told her those carts were only for naughty kids, for the kids that wouldn't listen to their parents and needed TV to keep them contained. (Before you send hate mail-I realize this isn't a true statement and more accurately they are for parents that just need a break from kids for a while and peace and quiet to shop while they have kids with them-but the naughty excuse is what came to mind so I went with it.) I told Anne that I have good kids who listen to me so we didn't need a cart like that. I asked her what kind of kid she thought Libby would be-good or naughty and she said:
"I hope she's naughty." And I said, "Anne! Why?" To which she replied: "So we can ride in a cart like that." Ahh, smart one she is. Not much gets by her...

9 Days of Firsts

2011-08-04T20:42:00.004-05:00

First time w/ the NG tube out. (First NG tube was put in about 20 minutes or less after birth)

At 4 weeks, 6 days old, first food by mouth.

First burp.

First time Anne held her baby sister.

At 5 weeks, 6 days old first time on the breast.

What a busy 9 days my little girl has had!!

Its so heavy...it hurts...

2011-07-28T19:45:00.005-05:00

Today is a bad day. Tonight is a bad night. I haven't had a bad day in about 2 weeks. But today, this moment, it's bad. Libby had her very first bottle today. All this week, every single day for 7 days, she has shown progress so today she had a bottle. I expected her to not do perfectly. I knew to not get my hopes up. But I suppose my heart didn't get that message. In reality, she didn't do horrible and the doctors are not giving up on her. She threw up-projectile vomited, her second bottle. Nearly the entire thing and the green contents of her stomach. This was after spitting up "normal" baby spit ups about 10x in as many minutes. The doctors are going to let her work through this and she is going to eat her third bottle of the day in 10 minutes. John is downtown with her right now, holding her as I write this. So in reality, there is nothing to be sad about. But I guess my heart and head aren't communicating so well right now.

My chest feels heavy. My legs feel heavy. It's hard to walk, hard to sit, hard to even be. Darkness clings to the corners of my eyes. Every now and then when I turn just right, I can see it and I know it wants to overtake me. I can't concentrate. I can only think about the sadness inside of me. Only think about how unfair this all is. Only think about how desperately I want my daughter with me. How I would give just about anything to have her crying next to me, laying on my chest, breathing, here with me in my home. Tears stream down my face and my throat is in knots. My heart actually hurts. Did you know it can do that? I actually have pain in my heart because it aches so badly for her. I want to give up. I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and wake up when this is over. I almost wish I could stop loving her, stop being attached to her and just pick her up when she's ready to come home and start to love her then, because then this wouldn't hurt so much. I can feel myself regressing down to basic animal instinct and this mama bear just wants her cub.

She is so very close to coming home. I can see the light on the horizon, I can spot the finish line waving in the breeze...maybe that is why it hurts so badly that we've had to stop on the course for a bathroom break...I want to get back out there and run my hardest and be done, but I'm not in control of how long the course is, how hard it is or even my ability on how fast I can run it. There is no other choice-absolutely no other choice-but to press on no matter how many times I stumble and another piece of me breaks off as I fall to the ground. No matter how many mountains I have to climb even though I know they are too tall for me. No matter how long and far it is-even though I am weak, and weary and faint. I have to press on. And so I will. Because I love my daughter. Because I want her here with me. Because the thought of her sweet face one day smiling at me when I pick her up from her crib keeps me going. The thought of one day feeding her when she cries for food encourages me to move one more foot. Thinking about how sweet it will feel when I can carry her next to my body without any restraints makes me fight this battle and run this race. And in the end, crossing that finish line will be so very sweet.

One Month!

2011-07-26T18:11:00.005-05:00

Libby was one month old on Sunday. It was a very bittersweet day for me. It was tough celebrating her one month birthday, remembering that she joined our family a month before and yet knowing I have basically missed out on the entire first month of her life and I can never get that back. I have never had to get up in the middle of the night to feed her. I have never had to deal with her as a fussy baby. I have never fed her. I have never burped her. I have never bathed her. I have only changed her diaper about 6x. I have only seen her awake about 4x. If I added up all the hours I have spent with her since she was born, they barely make up 2 full days. So while I am beyond thrilled to have her in our lives and to have a daughter and to have three kids, I have missed so very much.

Nonetheless, she turned 1 month this weekend. So in true April Atwood fashion, here is her one month picture. And just for fun, here are some from each week too! (Keep in mind only the 1 month one was posed-the rest are the best I could find to represent each week)

Birth

One week

2 weeks

3 weeks

ONE MONTH OLD!

"Come near to Him..."

2011-07-25T15:22:00.003-05:00

This week has been pretty stable for us emotionally regarding Libby. But last weekend-just 9 days ago-was horrible. I think I cried nearly non-stop the entire weekend. Last weekend was the week we realized/learned that Libby is probably going to be in the hospital up to another month-nearly by the time she's 2 weeks old. In addition to having my heart broken beyond repair more times than I can count, I was angry. So very angry. Angry at God. Intellectually I know that He is good, He is loving, He is in control. I know He loves her and me more than I could ever imagine. I know His plans are good-and they are plans He's had for such a very long time. I know that no matter what happens-no matter what-things will turn out for good in the end. But my heart didn't know any of that last weekend. After I had a good scream at Him and then spent the next 2 days deeply depressed, Monday dawned, and He was there.

I listen to books on tape while I drive to the hospital but Monday I forgot it at home. The thought of scrolling through the radio every 2 songs to find one I liked was super unappealing. As was listening to one of 10 CDs yet again for probably the 20th time. So I thought that I would listen to WMBI-which (to me) is basically Christian talk radio. I figured that being where I was emotionally and spiritually I could certainly use the encouragement.

Very very few times in my life have I felt that something has happened to me from God. But Monday was one of those days. The sermon that just happened to be on was talking about Jesus' disciples and that some of them were leaving Him after some hard teachings (John 6). Jesus turned to His disciples-His core 12-and asked them if they were going to leave Him too. Peter spoke up and said "To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:68-69). The pastor went on to expound on this passage, talking about how Jesus is the only way to God, the true Messiah, our Salvation. I can't quite put into words, but that sermon spoke deeply to my heart. It reminded me that as angry as I was at God. As depressed and hopeless as I felt, "to whom would I go?" There is no other way to me. Either I believe in Christ 100% or I am hopelessly lost. As my heart rejoiced in knowing God was caring for me in those moments in the car, I remembered a verse from the sermon at church the previous day: "Come near to God and He will come near to you" I know that God came near to me that morning and it was so very sweet.

Thank You Lord for not forgetting me. Thank You for being faithful to Your Word and promises. Thank you for holding me close in Your hand even when it feels like I am so far away.

And lest we forget...

2011-07-22T17:17:00.001-05:00

...There are 2 other adorable children who live in this house!

The many faces of Libby

2011-07-22T14:12:00.003-05:00

Libby-one day shy of 4 weeks old

Silly good things

2011-07-18T17:42:00.003-05:00

Silly good things that happened today:

-I forgot my book on tape at home which forced me to listen to WMBI (Christian talk radio) on the way in. I heard some great encouragement that I desperately needed. I felt like God was orchestrating it right there. He hasn't forgotten me.
-I got a parking space on the 3rd floor! This is unheard of on a weekday at the hospital.
-Lunch was really, really, super tasty. Chicken gyros and super tasty waffle fries. And Diet Pepsi mixed with Dr. Pepper. Yummy.
-Libby had really nice awake time. She's only really had that once or twice since she's been born (for me at least). I LOVED getting to look into her open eyes. She's such a sweetheart...I am so in love with her...I cannot wait to sling her, bring her home and hang out with her all day long!

In this time where I could easily, so very easily, fall into the dark fog of sadness that wants to take me, I think it's important to think about these silly little good things that happen every day.

How will this all end?

2011-07-16T19:13:00.002-05:00

So how will this all end? We are right smack in the middle of this with no end in sight. John's been saying it's like we are lost in a forest without any idea of which direction to go in or how far it is to get unlost. So how does this all end? When does my little girl heal up? When does she start to eat? What happens when she starts? Does it go smoothly? Is it rocky? Just how long til she's home? When she gets here, how will it all go? Is she going to be a "normal" baby or will she struggle to eat, to put on weight, to keep things down? I wish so much I had just the tiniest of foresight on how this all ends. Maybe then this whole thing would be easier to deal with...knowing there was indeed an end in sight. But right now I am so lost, every tree looks the same, the edge of the forest is a 100 miles away if it's a foot. And I'm weak and wounded and hungry and weary and I have no idea how I can move an inch much less the long journey that is ahead of me.

Aching

2011-07-15T13:46:00.004-05:00

I have spent the past 23 days, almost exclusively, in the hospital. I think I have taken 2 days off so far and both those days were weekend days with John home. Today is a day off, and it's the first time in 23 days that I am home with my children. Being at the hospital has consumed most of my emotional and mental efforts. There are lots of logistics that make it hard for me to think too long on any one thing. To be sure, I have spent my fair share of time crying and grieving over all that has been happening, but, good or bad, the hospital has been a good distraction for me.

Now that I am home today, I realize how big the ache is. How big the hole is. How our house is not complete or right without Libby in it. The kids and I ran some errands to Walmart today. As we walked out of the store, I almost burst into tears right then and there with the ache to have my baby with me. As we drove, a neighbor spotted me a block from our house, flagged me down and congratulated me on the baby. She didn't know Libby was in the hospital. I am proud of my baby and happy to accept congratulations. My feelings are in no way hurt when someone asks about her and doesn't know what has happened. But as I drove away after chatting I realized that Libby should have been in the car with us. I should have been able to put the car in park, open the door, and show off my little girl. I am trying to get chores done today, making the kids lunch, wrapping a present and it is all so...wrong. There should be a baby here in the house. I should have to tell the kids to wait because Libby is crying and needs me. I should be sitting on the couch nursing my daughter instead of pumping by myself.

I know that this season has to come to an end. Libby will not be in the hospital forever. But right now, today, it sure seems that way. Her homecoming seems so far off. So impossible to get to. It seems like she will never come home, never be held without cords, never grow, never smile, never sleep beside me, never nurse... I feel like I am going to be stuck in these past few weeks forever, like some sick sort of "Groundhog's Day". I miss my daughter so much. My heart literally hurts when I think about her. My body actually aches for her. I so desperately want her whole and want her home. I pray constantly for her and sit and wait with tears streaming for those prayers to be answered. I need my daughter. She needs me. I pray our reunion day comes quickly.

I love her...

2011-07-11T14:42:00.004-05:00

Libby is in surgery as I write this. They are probably just finishing everything up even as I type. I hope and pray all goes well and she has the quickest recovery possible. I held her this morning before they put her in the isolette and wheeled her up to surgery. As I held her, I prayed and thought about all the hopes I want to happen in the next few weeks. I prayed for God's protection on her as she was in surgery. I prayed for the surgeon's hands as he worked on her. I prayed that this surgery would work and we would not have to do a third. I prayed for her recovery-that it would go so quickly and so smoothly so that finally my heart cry would be answered and she would be home with me and her family where she belongs. And as I held her and cried for her, I heard so clearly, almost as though it had been spoken, "I love her more than you do." I know that it was the Holy Spirit, reassuring me the He loves her more than I do. And if He loves her more than I do, how can I be afraid? He has a perfect plan for her-I don't know what that plan is, I don't know how it turns out, I don't know if it's the same plan I would choose for her, but I know He has a plan and I know He loves her more than I do or could. And I took such great comfort in that. That knowledge and peace stayed with me through her trip upstairs, as I stroked her head waiting for the surgeons to come talk to us, and as we walked away from her and they wheeled her out to, hopefully, fix her insides. What a blessing God gave me today. His assurance and peace. Thank You.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' "
~Jeremiah 29:11

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
~Psalm 139: 13, 15-16

Blessed be His Name

2011-07-10T18:52:00.002-05:00

I've always really liked this song but I have always wondered, would I really praise Him "when the darkness closes in"?

I've thought about it more this past weekend along with other things all revolving around what's going on with Libby. Today at church, we sang songs about God's Holiness and I sung along and made the concious decision that yes, today I would praise His name and call Him Holy. Even though this week hasn't gone as it was supposed to. Even though God has not answered my daily prayers the past 2 weeks or John's daily prayers or dozens and dozens of others who have prayed with us these past 2 weeks asking God to please heal Libby's body and let her come home with us. Libby needs another surgery and she will get it tomorrow. God's answer to my prayers the past 2 weeks, prayed with tears and often begging, is a no. No, not yet, He will not heal her. And as I've pondered on that the past 2 days I wondered, maybe He has said no to show me, to allow me the privilege of knowing, that I have no other choice but to praise Him in times of darkness. I know that what I am going through with Libby does not come close to other sufferings I could endure and I am grateful for His Grace and Mercy during this time. But His clear no to my prayers has tangibly shown me the darkness, the bad times, the times of wonder and questioning and it has shown me that He is still worthy of my praise and trust and devotion.

One thing that came to me during one of the very darkest days I've had so far during the past 3 weeks was that God would teach me to trust Him through this. I can see that His answer of no is teaching me that. I look forward to what lies ahead for me, for my family, for little Libby as she undergoes surgery tomorrow that will hopefully, at last, fix her and heal her and bring her home to us. I wonder if just maybe, like the Isrealites when the crossed the Red Sea, if I will look back and see His great power and fear Him and trust Him.

"So that day the Lord saved the Israelites from the Egyptians, and the Israelites saw the Egyptians lying dead on the seashore. When the Israelites saw the great power the Lord had used against the Egyptians, they feared the Lord, and they trusted him and his servant Moses."
~Exodus 14:30-31

He never lets go

2011-07-09T15:57:00.002-05:00

One neat thing that has happened the past 3 weeks has been that songs and Scripture verses have come to me and the perfect times. These words have helped to bring my focus back to Christ, where it needs to be, and that has given me strength, renewed my faith, helped me to continue to trust Him. One of the first songs that I heard that has helped me the past 2 weeks has been this one by David Crowder Band. I have listened to it nearly every day and it helps remind me that before tragedy or trials strike-when they look imminent-He is there. That when they do strike and we are in the midst of them-He is there And He will be there when they are over-however they end. I am so grateful that He has reached out to me-through His Word and through songs and reminded me of His faithfulness, goodness and love.

You Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

Mini Mes

2011-07-09T15:48:00.004-05:00

Anne and Libby look so much alike as newborns. People don't see it because they have no clue or they don't remember what Anne looked like as a newborn. It took Anne nearly 3 months to grow into her "face" and start to look like the girl she looks like now. Anne and Libby were very similar sizes at birth. Anne was 5.5 lbs and Libby was 5 lbs (though probably closer to 4.5 lbs in reality since she had so much extra fluid in her abdomen she couldn't pass). And although Anne was full term, being so small she looked like a preemie. You judge-are they mini-mes?

Anne about 5 days old

Libby about 9 days old

Anne about 2.5 weeks old

Libby 2 days old

Falling

2011-07-08T18:01:00.001-05:00

Jamie was looking at this photo just now.
He said:
"Bibby at the doctor. Bibby has a band-aid." And then he waved and said "Hi Bibby." How can I not fall apart at that? We miss you baby girl. Please hurry up and come home to us.

36 Weeks

2011-07-06T08:10:00.002-05:00

This whole experience with Libby evolves daily. At first it was a raw pain-a pain in my heart that seems to cut me open. I cried and sobbed with the sounds of a mother separated from her child. Now my experience is evolving. Going to see her, being away from her, sadly is becoming normal. But also, the pain and hurt and sadness is changing too. The past few days the sadness has almost always been present with me, just under the surface. It prevents me from fully enjoying whatever I'm doing, from being fully present with my kids and husband and friends. This sadness scares me because I wonder if it's going to want to stick around even after she's home...

Today was supposed to be a milestone day for us. Today I would have been 36 weeks. I knew a few weeks before she was born that she would be early. I just had that intuition. I assumed she'd come at 36 or 37 weeks (and who knows-I was induced so maybe I would have been right...). Today, July 6th was the day I turned 36 weeks and we could safely have a home birth. We counted these days down....can I make it 3 more weeks? Can I make it 2? When I checked into the hospital, we swiftly knew that, no, I couldn't make it that long. The past 2 days it seems I see babies and hear birth stories everywhere. I don't fault any of the moms or any of the babies but still, my heart aches when I hear of the normalcy of it all. Why did this happen to me? Why didn't I get to have a normal birth, a normal newborn, a normal experience? What makes it sadder for me is that I won't get it. Even after she comes home, she'll be nearly a month old. I can't recapture those newborn days as much as I want to. Sure she'll wake up every few hours to eat. Sure I'll be bleary eyed with lack of sleep. Sure she'll be tiny and I'll worry about her growing. Sure visitors will have to wash their hands...but I still can't get back those precious, precious first few days. Days where the high of the birth is so fresh it carries me through the day and the exhilaration of the memory makes me relive that amazing moment all over again. I can't get back the pride at showing off my baby, born just days ago, still so fresh she still smells like the womb. I can't get back those special moments in the middle of the night where I'm sore and tired and just want to sleep and yet holding and feeding my baby is so much more important than any of that. I feel robbed of the newborn experience. I feel cheated.

I know, I know...I'll still have the same experience from here on out that all moms have. But having those first few days, those days that are so very special, taken from me cannot be made up for. I know that God has a plan. I know that He has a reason. I know that even as this blockage in her intestines was being formed, God was knitting her together. I know all that and believe all that and bank everything on it being true. But I'm still sad. I still wish it had been different. I still feel cheated and want so very very desperately to get it all back. But I can't.

Goodbye, Hello!

2011-07-01T06:44:00.003-05:00

July 1, 2011

Goodbye June! You brought me my beautiful daughter. You brought me only the third time in my life that I have ever birthed a child-felt her body slide out and into this world. You brought me the sound of her cries, the emotion that overwhelms a new mother that is possibly the sweetest emotion one could ever have. You brought me such joy and pride the moment she was born. You brought me more love from others than I could have thought existed. You made me look to my God and Savior in a way I didn't think I could. I am grateful for these things and I know I will treasure those moments forever. But you also brought me more tears than I have ever cried. More helplessness than I have ever felt. More ache than should ever be. In your month, I slept alone without her. Cried alone without her. Made milk without giving it to her. Sat in her room, stroked her toys, wished her there, all, without her. I am happily bidding you goodbye and I am glad!

Hello July! This month you will bring my daughter back to me!! She will come home with us! She will sleep in her bed! She will live in our house! She will rest in my arms, on my chest, with ME! She will lay on my bed while I stroke her face! She will cry and I will pick her up immediately! I will be able to meet her needs! She will hunger and be filled! Our family will finally be complete and whole with her here! I welcome you July!! I welcome every day of you because you will bring my daughter to our home. Please hurry July! Please let every day pass quickly! Please be kind. Please bring good news, forward motion, encouragement, and hope. I cannot wait for you to unfold July.

This week, a year

2011-06-30T17:03:00.003-05:00

This post is personal, and raw, and real. It is gaping and ugly. I write it because it is true. I post it to remember it. Because Libby needs to know how much I love her and miss her and need her and want her.

This week has easily been the longest week of my life. I feel like a year has passed in the past nine days. I have cried every single day of the past 9. Most of the time sobbing. There shouldn't be any tears left in me and yet they continue to be there daily. My heart has broken, sunk, dropped, shattered, every day this past week. There should be nothing left to break but every morning I find it whole again, only to shatter once more. Darkness has stayed constant at the corner of my eyes, threatening to overwhelm me. It is thicker than any blanket, darker than any storm cloud, with power strong enough to paralyze. It always stays right at the corner, but ready to take over at any moment. Wishes and prayers constantly go out, from me, from others, possibly the only thing that keeps me afloat and keeps me from sinking.

This week has been a year. Time crawls by. It does not move. Libby's progress seems to stand still, the next step always tomorrow. I wonder when tomorrow will get here. And then I am here. Still 2 and a half weeks away from her coming home, from hopefully the end of these very dark days. I want to fall onto the ground and give up. I want to pull the covers over my head and cease to be for the next 2 and a half weeks. I want this to go away and be a distant memory. I don't want to go through it. How can I? How can I possibly make it through the next 2 and a half weeks when every days seems to be a year, every week an decade, 2 and a half weeks away an eternity? I don't know how I can do it. How can I come home day after day and always leave her behind? How can I hold her in my arms, but she is always just out of reach, covered with blankets and wires and tubes and gauze? How can I watch her cry for food, her stomach empty and aching and continue to pump milk into containers that she cannot have? How can I only see her for brief hours a day and still be her mother? How long can her room stay empty, without her in it? How long can my arms ache before they fall off? How long can I wish this different before time goes backwards and changes, so we never have to go through this in the first place? How long will this take to become a fuzzy memory? It is only 2 and a half more weeks, but it is forever. It is never ending. I am standing still, while the world moves. I am not sure I can do this. No I know that I cannot do this. And I know that I have to. I have no choice. This is not the way it was suppose to be. But this is the way it is. How do I change it?

This week, a year. Next week, another. The week after, one more. And then, maybe, she is mine.

Peace

2011-06-28T22:02:00.004-05:00

"You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you."
~Isaiah 26:3

Seeing God Move

2011-06-26T11:32:00.002-05:00

A prayer I've had consistently the past few years has been to see God moving in my life and in my everyday. I have to admit that I don't see Him. Not because He hasn't moved but because I am so narrowly focused in my eyesight, my heart and my soul that I know I don't let Him in. So I've been praying, consistently, that He would please show Himself to me. That he would open me up so that I can see Him. This whole thing with Libby has been an answer to that prayer. And not just in one or two ways, but every single step that we have taken the past 6 days has had God involved. So involved that even my nearsighted, blinded, weak eyes have not missed it.

I saw God moving before any of this started when He moved my heart to pray consistently for the baby and the pregnancy. I gave it over to him-without knowing why-from the very beginning. I prayed for her and it in a way that I haven't for the other two. I prayed that God would protect the baby, protect me and protect the birth. But more than that, I always gave it back to Him. I thanked Him for blessing us with the pregnancy and would always, consistently, every time, say that this was His child that He had a plan for. And if it meant we would never even get to meet her, I would trust Him. I prayed this before I even started showing, before I had anything to worry about. God moved my heart to be willing to give this over to Him without knowing why.

I saw God moving on Wednesday when we went through the ultrasound test. I knew in the way technicians and doctors talked that something was wrong. Yet God clearly protected my heart and allowed it not to worry. This is not from me. I knew something was wrong yet I was protected, until we knew the facts, from worrying about it.

I saw God moving on Wednesday when we were checked in and met our doctor. John and I are incredibly holistic in how we approach health care. We believe that minimal intervention in nearly every aspect is better than intervention. If I can treat a problem with something from the earth instead of a medicine I always do. Our medicine cabinet contains vitamins and herbal rubs, not chemicals. It's just the way we feel comfortable dealing with our family and any physical issues that come up. So when we checked into the hospital, faced with the thought of a hospital, my immediate thoughts and fears were we were going to be bullied into all sorts of interventions. That not only would we be bullied but what we believe so deeply would be ridiculed or worse. We got the opposite. Our doctor was about as perfect a match for a homebirth family as we could get. He respected what we had done so far in the pregnancy. He never once, for even a second, made us feel stupid or inferior. We truly felt he listened to us and respected us on an intellectual level. Even a few times when we made choices he told us he didn't think would be best, he never made it seem that we were making a mistake or he was smarter than us. Having a doctor who listened to us and gave us as many choices and as much control as possible was a complete God moment. We could have easily gotten the 100% opposite, yet God was in the details in when we came into the hospital and who happened to be on call at the time. Coincidentally (or not), our doctor happened to be the one on call for the next week-so we never had to switch doctors and we got consistent care the entire 2.5 days we were in the hospital.

I saw God working when we had peace on Thursday about our plan of what to do. We made the very hard choice to have a hospital birth, to be induced, to have my water broken. All things I would never do, yet I was 100% at peace with the choice and confident it was the right one. Changing so much from what I hold dearly to, that could only be God giving peace and assurance.

I saw God moving when we were faced with the thought that Libby might have downs syndrome. He lead my heart to pray, to be at peace, to trust in Him to be good and sovereign. He reminded me of my prayers the past few months to give the pregnancy to Him. My normal response to hard times is to get angry and wonder why God doesn't just fix it. And yet I couldn't even go there if I wanted. He protected me that much.

I saw God moving over the choice to get an epidural or not. I considered getting one, simply because I actually had the option and let's face it, labor is not fun. I debated obsessively for probably 24 hours about what to do. I prayed for clarity on the issue. Not just a hunch but undebated clarity on what I should do. The morning we induced, I decided I would get it. I was handed the paperwork and all the risks were highlighted. It was so clear to me that I did not need it. That anything I was afraid of in a natural labor I would be able to handle and if anything lasting or significant came of the epidural I would not be able to handle that. So as though someone spoke out loud, I knew to decline it. It turns out that it was the right choice. I was in pain for exactly 4 minutes. What a blessing that a Pitocin induced labor, which is suppose to be very very painful, was not something I needed to fear after all.

I saw God move during the labor. Once induced it moved so slowly and I was terrified it would end in a C-section. I truly thought that all the choices we had made up until that point were wrong and something would happen to the baby and something would happen to me. God let it end in the most perfect way it could-a healthy birth for both me and Libby with no lasting consequences from it.

I saw God move when I birthed Libby. After this was all over, I came to see that the most important thing to me in birth is being able to push my baby out the way I want to. Nothing else, in the end, matters. I was able to do this. I didn't get to labor how I wanted, labor didn't start how I wanted, Libby wasn't treated the way I wanted her to get treated when she was born, but the one and only thing that did happen the way I wanted, was I got to push her out how my body saw fit. So even though nothing else in the entire birth happened as I wanted it to, I have no negative reaction or memory of the birth because the one thing that did matter to me in the end happened.

God moved when Libby cried her first breath on her own!

God moved when he gave me the girl I so wanted!

God moved when there was no sign of downs syndrome or any other abnormality!

God moved when the only problem Libby had was needing stomach surgery-scary of course, but straight forward and safe as far as surgeries go.

God moved when my little baby was born healthy enough for me to get to hold her!

God has moved since the birth too. We have seen our Church rally around us and provide us with more than we could have ever asked or imagined. We have seen these friends truly be the hands and feet of Christ. We pray that they feel as blessed from serving us as we feel from getting served. I think both John and I would agree that we have never seen or felt so much love both from people and outwardly pouring from God. It takes our breath away when we ponder and reflect and remember how we are being helped.

Libby is in surgery now. We are waiting to hear how it goes. I will hopefully get to hold my little girl today-for the first time in over 48 hours. I am looking forward to see how else God will move in this situation. My eyes are opened, I am focused. I pray God keeps me in this space a little bit longer.

Thank You Lord Jesus for your incredible mercy and grace.

Elizabeth "Libby's" Winifred Grace Gap Atwoods most amazing arrival

2011-06-25T08:12:00.003-05:00

We are now a family of 5! How amazing! What a blessing! How incredibly unexpect how we got here. The past 5 days have been the most emotional of my life. I have probably cried and sobbed and wished and prayed more than I have at any other point in my life combined. This week has brought ups and downs and has built my faith in a way that I could never have imagined.

I think this story of Libby coming to join us really starts several months ago. Our pregnancy was textbook and 100%-even more than that if possible-healthy and normal up until about 28 weeks along. I felt amazing the entire second trimester. I had lots of energy, I was running and most days I didn't even feel pregnant. Then, practically the day, I turned 28 weeks it all sort of changed. I'm not saying it's all connected but as soon as the 3rd trimester hit, it hit me HARD! All of a sudden my belly was HUGE, I waddled, I had less energy, and on and on. Every pregnancy complaint one could have in the 3rd trimester, I had. I would often stare at my body and wonder how in the world it could possibly get any bigger. When I went in for my 26 week appointment, I measured at 28 cm, which is "big" but completely normal. When I went in for my 30 week appointment, I measured 32.5 cm. Bigger than normal. My midwife kind of raised an eyebrow, felt around for twins and said that she just thought I had "a lot of water". She didn't say it worriedly but somehow I still knew that this was something unusual and maybe indicated something was wrong. I basically put it out of my head and told myself someone's got to have lots of water right? The midwife didn't say it was abnormal so it's okay. Still, I continued to grow very large, larger than normal, larger than either kid, with no explanation why or confirmation that it was okay, healthy and normal.

On Monday of this week, I was 33 weeks 5 days pregnant. My gut told me my baby would be born early-I assumed 36 weeks-and my only goal was to make it the required 2 more weeks so our baby could be born at home. Monday I had some spotting. I called the midwife and she said while it was somewhat worrysome and somewhat abnormal it was okay as long as it wasn't a lot and it stopped. By Tuesday morning it had stopped and I wasn't worried. I figured my cervix was dilating (which it actually was) and getting ready to have an early baby-a 36 weeker. So I wasn't worried. Tuesday night however, I came to suspect that I was leaking amniotic fluid. I went back and forth that night, again, telling myself that lots of women leak for a few weeks and it's okay. In the end on Wednesday morning I told John was was going on and he called the midwife. With her advice, we decided to go to the hospital to have it checked out. I honestly thought it would be a 2 or 3 hour ordeal in which they would test it, agree it was fluid, do and see an normal ultrasound and send me home saying to take it easy and it would be fine. Little did I know it would result in our daughter being born 3 days later.

We got to the hospital and for the most part it went the way I thought. I was indeed leaking fluid but no one really raised too much of an eyebrow. I was sent down for an ultrasound (which was actually the first one I had gotten as we decided not to get a 20 week one). Again, everything "seemed" to be fine. The technician confirmed I had a lot of water. When I pushed her that "that's okay-that's normal...right?" She half-heartedly tried to say that she couldn't make the decision, that the head radiologist needed to make that choice. My inner self knew that it wasn't normal. We went back upstairs and the nurse said that she had talked to the doctor and confirred with the radiologist and there was a "double bubble" on Libby's ultrasound, in her stomach. We had no clue what this was and were still on the hope that although this was obviously not normal, it was minor. We still held on to the hope and belief we'd go home and figure it out there. The changing point was when the nurse gently insisted she check me. She did and found I was 4-5 cm dilated at 34 weeks pregnant. She sort of freaked out at point and insisted I'd be going into labor that afternoon, that we needed to start medicine to stop the labor. I tried over and over to tell her I knew my body and I know it does this-dilates early and a lot-and that I could easily make it 2 more weeks. She didn't believe me. (Needless to say, I still believe I was right.) So after an hour of talking with the midwife and the first round of sobbing, we checked in. We were still convinced this was being blown out of proportion. We hoped that the next day doing an ultrasound would show it was all a mistake, etc and we could go home. We spent Wednesday crying off and on all day, mostly because what was happening-being checked into a hospital, being told something was abnormal, was all 100% contrary to the plans we had for Libby and her coming into the world. She was supposed to be born at home, into my arms and be a healthy baby. She wasn't supposed to be born into a hospital with nurses and tubes and all this other junk going on.

Thursday morning-after 40 minutes of sleep ALL night thanks to an overzealous nurse we named the Natzi (who insisted on coming in to check on us about every 45 minutes-thanks a lot), we thought the ultrasound would show the mistake and we'd go home have the baby at 36 or 37 weeks and then take her back to the hospital and have her evaluated a few hours after her birth. Here's what we learned instead:
1. The ultrasound still showed the double bubble. That combined with the extra fluid told the technician he thought there was a 90% chance Libby had this problem. The double bubble is actually called duodenal atresia. It is a condition where the stomach is not properly formed and results in a baby being completely able to eat or absorb any sort of nutrients. It requires surgery upon discovery. From what I can tell, most people do not pick up this malformation until after birth when a baby projectile vomits and starts to lose weight and dehydrated. It is actually not picked up on a 20 week ultrasound. Without treatment, this condition is deadly. The reason I had so much water was because Libby was unable to swallow her amniotic fluid and regulate her water levels.
2. There was an increase risk that the baby would have downs syndrome.
3. Because I had so much water and was so far dilated and (based on this particular doctor's opinion) the baby was not engaged in the pelvis, if my water broke while not being in a hospital the cord could prolaspe, meaning come out before the baby, which would kill her in about 2 minutes.

So based on all these things, we were given several options:
1. Stay checked in at the hospital and wait for labor to start. The doctor and nurses were convinced I would start on my own, but as we had already been there for over 24 hours and it hadn't I knew and still believe I would be pregnant for 1-2 more weeks.
2. Go home against medical advise and based on my history of fast labors have her at home in which problem 3 above might happen.
3. And then John and I came up with this option which was what we eventually did. Finished the course of steroids to help develop Libby's lungs and induce labor and have her early. We really felt, and still feel, this was the best choice, given the options we were at that point. Since then several doctors have agreed with us that although of course it's better for a baby to stay in longer if it can, we in absolutely no way put her at risk or did her harm by inducing her to come early. A few more days would NOT have helped her nor did inducing her do her any harm at all.

So on Thurdsay at 1 pm I was given the last steriod shot and labor was scheduled to be induced at 1 am. I went back and forth for 12 hours about getting an epidural. I was not looking forward to the pain, I was scared how intense contractions might be from pitocin and being induced and heck, I was actually in a hospital and being offered it so why not? In the end, I told them yes, I would get one, but when they handed me the consent form, with all the possible side effects highlighted, I couldn't do it. What I was afraid of with an epidural (side effects that might last hours or the rest of my life) versus what I was afraid of going naturally again, it was very clear. So I opted out (which wound up being the best choice by far in the end).

At 2 am they started inducing me. We started Pit at a level of 1 and increased it by 1 every half hour. I slept through the entire thing until about 7 am. At 7 am I was only at a level 5 on the pit-1/4 of how high the doctor said I could go and 1/6th the safe max. So still pretty low. I was having regular contractions but not feeling them at all. I was checked and had gone from 6cm at the start of the induction to 7 cm, which was progress but considering my longest labor was 4 hours, we were discouraged and terrified the induction wouldn't work and I'd need a C-section. The doctor upped the Pit and from 7 am til 10 am I went from a level 5 to a level 14. Again, barely feeling the contractions, maybe feeling 3 an hour that required me to simply take a deep breath. (See why I was glad I didn't get the epidural?) At 10:30 the doctor checked me and I was at 8 cm. The head was fully engaged in the pelvis and there was no chance of prolapse. The doctor broke my water at 10:34 am. It was painful and as soon as all the water was out (it actually took 2 punctures to get the water completely broken) a HUGE contraction hit. I started to make some really powerful noises and the room went into high alert. Nurses and doctors rushed in, lights went on, equipment was gotten ready. They knew the baby was coming and coming VERY FAST. After my first real contraction, I rolled over on my side and had another. I pushed with that contraction and called out that I was pushing. The doctor tried to slow my pushing, telling me to breathe and trying to provide some counter pressure to keep baby in a few more minutes. I had my 3rd contraction and pushed again. I told them she was crowning and in the one push I got to her crowning and her head was born. I had my 4th contraction and her body "plopped" out. She was born, At 8 cm dilated, 4 minutes after having my water broken. I pushed her out in 3 pushes and she was born with labor lasting only 4 contractions long. Talk about a short labor!

Libby was born and we were told she was a girl!! I was so thrilled. I wanted a girl! She cried immediately, she pinked up, she was perfect. I got to hold her for about 2 minutes. While I was holding her she made some coughing noises, nothing that was worrisome, but they wanted to get her to the NICU anyway, so she was taken away. About an hour later I got to go see her for about 5 minutes. About 2-3 hours after her birth she was taken to Children's Memorial to get ready for her surgery.

Libby's birth was amazing and unexpected. I still have lots more thoughts on it that need another blog. My mind still swirls. She isn't even 24 hours old yet. In just a few hours we will head to the hospital and I get to finally see my baby girl again. It is so odd to have had this baby inside me, to know she's out and yet my arms are empty. I woke up last night 2x and got to pump instead of nursing my daughter. I cannot wait until she is healthy and home with us.

Jamie's Anne'cdote

2011-06-17T16:42:00.002-05:00

Alright if Jamie is going to be chiming in with these, I think I need something for him too. Anne'cdote is perfect for Anne but what should I use for Jamie? Any suggestions?

Today John took Anne on a Daddy/Daughter camping trip. We prepped Jamie that she'd be gone when he woke from his nap and she'd be gone tonight and she wouldn't get back til lunch time tomorrow. You see, Jamie is Anne's shadow. So today he woke up from his nap and I said:
"Jamie, where's Annie?"
Jamie: "Camping. I go camping" And out of the room he ran. I called him back and said:
"No Buddy, you'll get to go camping later. Daddy will put a tent in the backyard and you can camp with Daddy and Anne in the backyard later."
Jamie: "Oh no! A bear come!"

Haha! Love it!

Sharing a room

2011-06-16T15:12:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago we repainted Jamie's room, bought some storage cubbies and moved Anne in. Let me say, honestly, both kids were ecstatic to do it! Anne is still young enough that she gets along well with Jamie and has no need of extensive personal space. Jamie is even younger and loves spending every second with Anne. She's his playmate and best friend after all. Since they've moved in together, I have to admit, it's been rocky getting them to sleep. They don't fight and they don't play and they don't get out of bed (thankfully Jamie is still in his crib). What they do do however, is talk and yell and jump and sing and generally make noise. Jamie's always had a hard time falling asleep at night. Usually he talks to himself for an hour or so before falling asleep. Anne also usually has a hard time falling asleep. It takes her probably 30 minutes or so on average. So combine those two and falling asleep takes over an hour. We've had to go up nearly every night 2 or 3 times and tell Jamie to be quiet and stop jumping and kicking his crib and yelling and laughing and singing.

The room is not quiet finished yet. We anticipate buying bunk beds for the kids sometime after Halloween. We figure the baby will be 3 months old at that point and ready for a crib (as opposed to a bassinet or pack and play) and Jamie will be over 2 and a half and ready to (hopefully but who am I kidding?) be in a big boy bed. So once that's in hopefully there's a bit more play space. Right now it's crowded but neither kid seems to mind, so we're good.

Painting the dots on the wall. I thought by doing this and leaving the yellow that had been there we'd be saving time. Not so much. Painting these dots took about 4 hours. Straight. No real break except at lunch to eat a sandwich in 15 minutes. It was a long afternoon.
Done with the dots! They are on 3 full walls and the 4th wall that has the closet and door on it is painted green mainly to cover up some fumbles we had getting the wall paper boarder off.

33 Weeks

2011-06-14T16:45:00.004-05:00

I am 33 weeks today and this past week has been an emotional one for me. There is so much going on regarding this pregnancy. I have basically been *done* since 28 weeks. I am extremely uncomfortable, almost continuously in pain unless I'm standing (and side note, if I stand for more than an hour-like when I'm cleaning the kitchen or cooking-my back just starts to ache). My ribs hurt when I lay down and especially when I sit. Within about 2 minutes of sitting (and no, this is not an exaggeration) I start to have a searing pain in my ribs. My uterus is just so far grown and I'm short so it has grown up as high as allowed. I cannot wait for the baby to drop so I can get some relief from this. Heartburn started back up this week and unfortunately for me, it's an all day affair. If I eat one bite of offending food I have heartburn for about 12 hours. Again, no exaggeration. And that means I have no appetite. Unfortunately that does not mean my body doesn't need food. So while I'm sitting there with acid up into my throat, no appetite at all, I'm dizzy and light headed because I need to eat since it's been like 6 hours. I'm also freaking out about how much bigger I can possibly get. This baby probably needs to double it's size still. At the very least it needs to gain about 3 more pounds minimum. My stomach already feels stretched to the absolute max and I cannot imagine how I can have a baby grow double in the next few weeks. I was actually in tears the other night (not a big deal for a pregnant woman) because I just cannot fathom how I can get bigger. And just to up the complaints a little bit more, I have to pee like every 10 minutes. No exaggeration. (Do you see a theme here?) Here's an example. I'll go to the bathroom about 10 minutes before we have to leave somewhere. I'll pee again right before we leave. When we get there-maybe 20 minutes later, I have to pee again. And of course before we get back in the car I have to pee again. And rush right into the bathroom when we get home. It's getting old knowing I can't really travel more than 30 minutes without a bathroom in sight.

But enough of the complaints, because I could go on even more about them. Our baby could make his or her entrance very soon. I have only 4 more weeks until I'm full term and I have feeling this little one will be coming between 37 and 38 weeks. Now that I've said it and told a few people I think that means it will come at 41 weeks. It is always so incredibly surreal to me each time we approach this time during a pregnancy. It is so hard to believe that there is an actual person in there who is going to join our family forever. I cannot imagine what it will be like to hold a newborn again and to be its mother. I can't imagine having 2 kids running around and nursing my baby. I can't imagine Jamie being a big brother. It seems so impossible and yet in 28 days it could happen! How? How can something so life changing happen in a matter of seconds and minutes and hours?

I am particularly excited to meet this baby because I have no clue what the sex is. We found out with Anne, and I will always be happy we did. We decided not to find out with Jamie for the sole reason that I thought he might very well be the last baby so I wanted to know once what it was like to be surprised. From the first few weeks of the pregnancy we thought he was a boy. I had a few weeks near the end of hopeful doubt (I'll be honest-I wanted a girl) but we never really strayed from thinking he was a boy. When he popped out and proudly showed us who he was, it was sort of anticlimactic. I almost shrugged as I saw him and said to John "It's a boy babe". This time around though I have no clue. For a while at the beginning I thought it was a girl. Now the past few weeks or months I have thought maybe it's a boy. So really, I have no clue. I guess if I absolutely had to make a guess I'd say I think it's a boy. But my certainty is like 55%. So not much better than a coin toss. I am really excited to see what it is when it's born. It will be a true surprise so I'm excited to know what that's like.

So right now I just hang on. I count the days (yes, I actually wake up each morning and count) until I reach 37 weeks so the baby can be born and be full term. I hate this bubble of waiting right now-the one where if the baby comes now he/she might be sick or small and for sure spend time in the NICU. I just want to move past this into the safe zone and relax and wait for our little one to come. And even though it feels like it's years away it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Anne'cdotes of Religion

2011-06-12T19:43:00.001-05:00

Me asking a Bible Trivia question to Anne: "What did Jesus say we should do to our enemies?"
Anne: "Fight them!" (while making fists and raising them in the air)

Preschool is Over!

2011-06-10T12:33:00.004-05:00

Anne graduated from preschool a few weeks ago. I cried during the program because it hit me that when I blinked she'd be graduating high school and I'd give anything to go back to the day she graduated preschool. So in just 2 months Anne starts Kindergarten! Hard to believe that we've made it through and are now officially in elementary school. The time really has flown!

Anne getting her certificate from her teacher.

Anne and her teacher, Mrs. Tracy. We loved Mrs. Tracy!

Anne and her two best friends at preschool. Lauren and Zoey. They were fortunate enough to be in the same class both years!

Jamie's Knock Knock Joke

2011-06-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

Jamie has told a few knock knock jokes-all of them of course following in his sister's example and making no sense whatsoever. But this afternoon he told a good one. A really good one. Especially for a 2 year old.

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Thomas"
"Thomas who?"
"Whooo, whooo!"

Awesome! Love it!

Anne the Author

2011-05-24T19:52:00.004-05:00

Anne has really been getting into crafts and drawing pictures and things the past year. It's amazing what she will come out with after spending an hour in her room. Truly, her creativity and thought process blows me away. One thing she's done a few times is make "books". She'll staple pages together and draw (mostly) random pictures. She drew a book today-and spent quite a while working on it. She asked John and I to write down her narration and I tell you, this girl is one smart cookie. Here's her book-enlarge the pictures to see what it says.

Evolution of Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:36:00.002-05:00

Six years ago I celebrated mother's day a week before my wedding. I halfheartedly gave my mother a card and looked forward to what would happen later that week-wedding rehearsals, dinner, my marriage to John, our reception and our honeymoon in Maui, HI.

Five years ago I celebrated mother's day reluctantly. I sat in bed nursing a 2 week old while grimacing in pain with every suck. I pushed away cards and candy from John saying that I'd only been a mother for two weeks so it didn't seem like I should celebrate yet. I fought back tears of post-partum baby blues and wondered if this motherhood thing would ever turn out as wonderfully and the blessing that everyone said it was.

Four years ago I celebrated Mother's day with a 12 month old. Anne couldn't walk yet but she was close. I desperately looked forward to the days when she would be old enough to celebrate with me on this day-to talk to me, to do things with me, to be a real person instead of the baby that she was.

Three years ago I celebrated Mother's Day with a 2 year old. Anne could talk to me, she had interests of her own, and she was just about the cutest thing I had ever laid eyes on. I was often brought to tears when I thought about how much I loved her. John and I talked about trying for another baby and giving Anne a sibbling and filling our house with even more love, while wondering if that could be truly possible.

Two years ago, I celebrated Mother's day with a 3 year old on my lap and a 2 month old in my arms. My heart was more full of love then I could have ever imagined. Words couldn't describe how full my heart was. Often I thought it would burst from being so full. I didn't know what I had done to be so blessed. Life was perfect with these two little perfect people in it.

One year ago I celebrated Mother's Day with a 4 year old and a 14 month old. I was so lucky. Anne was gorgeous and precious and the first love of my life. Jamie was adorable and so full of personality and the second love of my life. 14 months prior I had sworn as Jamie was born that I would never go through this again and yet having my heart so full of love that it was practically bursting, John and I looked forward to the fall when we would try for yet another baby.

This year I celebrate Mother's day with a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a baby who is only 3 months away from being born. Anne decorated me a card and picked out a bag of Snickers as my gift. John had to convince her that even though she wanted to give me jelly beans because she liked them, she needed to pick something I would like too. She gave me a card from preschool with her hand print in purple and little finger prints decorated as bugs. Jamie scribbled me an orange card and put stickers on the inside. Even at 2 and with only half his words intelligible to others, he joked that he had picked out the Snickers and they were his. My baby squirmed and kicked inside of me, always letting me know he/she was there and would soon be in my arms. John made me a throw-back to school days craft that meant more to me than any other card he has given me. He thanked me for all the things I do for our family.

On this day, I live in a current state of constant dichotomy. I am annoyed practically on a moment by moment basis by the whining, fighting, and simple constant needs of my family and oddly in those exact moments I am more grateful for them than I could explain. I wish every day for some peace and quiet and maybe just maybe having one day off where the kids are out of the house doing things I can have some peace and quiet. And yet the very moment they step away from me, I miss them. I wish for a break and think about how lucky moms are that work because they get to step away from the chaos for a few hours but as I think that I couldn't be more grateful and blessed that I get to stay home with my kids. I wonder how adding a 3rd will affect our family and wonder if I can do it knowing that 2 kids drive me up a wall now. And I wonder how I could possibly love this little child inside me as much as I love his/her brother and sister. It does not seem possible that I could once again possess that type of love for another person. It does not seem possible that there is even more space for my heart to grow and yet I look forward to a day, 3 months or less from now when I hold this baby in my arms and sob over how much I love him/her.

I have come so far in the past 6 years. 6 years ago I was single, looking to getting married and having children. Today I have a husband that I thank God for every single day and children who have changed me, grown me, taught me more than can be taught in a life time of life. I wonder what next mother's day will bring and I welcome it with open arms.

Just the pictures Ma'am

2011-05-07T11:32:00.003-05:00

I promise-Easter pictures and a post will be coming soon. Honestly, these past few months have been ridiculously busy-I play catch up every single day and never even come close to getting ahead or making up for anything. So I'm working on it. For now though, here's some pictures of the kids playing at a new park that just opened near us. We are lucky to live in a subdivision with 5 or 6 parks all within about one mile of our house. This one is less than half a mile and the kids fell in love with it the first time they went. They played for an hour and Jamie actually cried when we left, which might be a first for him. Enjoy!

She's 5!!

2011-05-06T09:19:00.003-05:00

Last week Anne turned 5. Every single year I marvel at how it's possible that she's another year older and this year is no different. I cannot believe she's 5. A true big kid. Next year starts kindergarten-no more preschool for her. My oh my, what a big girl. We had a lot happen on the big day, and I plan to blog about them but for now, I copied a friend and did an interview with Anne. I'd been wanting to do this for a few years now and finally got around to it this birthday. So here's my big girl's 5 year old interview:

Favorite cereal: Chocolate cheerios
Favorite vegetable: Peas
Favorite drink: Juice
Favorite TV show: Cauiliou
Favorite game: Computer games
Favorite books: Polk Street School series (Note-she also is in love with listening to the Magic Tree House books on audio book)
Favorite Restaurant: Cici's Pizza
Favorite Holiday: Halloween
Favorite Animal: A deer (I swear she pulled this one out of a hat-she's never even talked about a deer as long as I've known her-I suppose false answers are part of being 5 and interviewed, huh?)
If you could change your name, what would it be: Tessa Lyneth Faith Gap Atwood (Anne has LOVED the name Tessa for the past 2 years and every single character that ever needs a name gets named Tessa.)
What do you love about Mommy?: That she cooks dinner for us.
What do you love about Daddy?: That he goes to work and gets us money.
What do you love about Jamie?: That he makes a mess.
Where would you like to go for vacation this year?: Disney World
What are your wishes for this year?: To always eat candy.
Anything you are excited about that is coming up?: Daddy's birthday
Anything you can do now that you couldn't do when you were 3 or 4?: Um...play. (And with prompting) Going to kindergarten
What will it be like to be 5?: Um...I don't know.
What is the greatest thing about Anne?: Um...I don't know. Um...playing? With Mommy.
Anything else you want to say?: No.

I have to say that a lot of the "favorite" answers I thought were purely thought of spur of the moment. For games she looked around the room and named the first game that caught her eye. She did similar things with books, restaurant (because she's only been to Cici's pizza one time!), and TV shows. But again, part of being 5 right? I love you Anne! May you have a blessed year this year!

Surprisingly uneasy

2011-05-03T13:26:00.002-05:00

I am the very first one to admit that I cannot wait to send my kids off to school. I actually plan due dates around the time they need to turn a certain age to go to school a year earlier as opposed to a year later (ie, if I can help it, I will NEVER have a baby with a September or October birthday because I'd be annoyed for an entire year that they missed being able to go to school by just a few weeks). I can't wait for Anne to start first grade and be in school the whole day. I'll also be the first to admit that I love my children more than I thought possible. But I need breaks. Having kids has shown me how intense of an introvert I am, how much I need my routine and how much I need downtime, quiet, away from them to be a good mother. I've come to grips with this, accepted it and fully embrace that this is who I am. So sending them to school is a win-win for everyone. I get long, extended time away from my kids and they get to go to school, make friends have fun, new experiences and thrive. Perfect.

Today the kids and I walked down to Anne's school for next year and signed her up for kindergarten. It took all of 5 minutes and means she is one step closer to the year she starts up full day (in 1st grade). I've been excited for this day for a while-looking forward to seeing her start real school, turn more and more into a big kid, etc. So I found it really strange at my unease as we walked home afterwards. It hit me that she's going to school. She'll be in a school that I didn't get to choose, I didn't get to screen, I have no idea who the teachers are, who the workers are, who her classmates will be. I have no clue what they are going to teach her, how she will be treated and what influences she will pick up. Preschool was loads easier because I went to the school ahead of time, I screened it, I choose them, I met the teachers ahead of time and I love everything about her preschool. Kindergarten couldn't more more different. As I walked home I had to fight off feelings of wanting to cry, fight off feelings of intense anxiety and mostly fight off feelings of wanting to grab Anne in my arms and hold her there to prevent time from moving forward and her from growing up and changing from anything other than who she is at this very moment in time. It was a lot. It was intense. And it surprised me.

My little girl has about 3 and a half months and then she starts Kindergarten. Instead of being one step closer to giving me freedom and time to myself, she's one step closer from changing on me, being a big kid, being someone I don't know yet. It's scary. I'm not sure how to navigate this new part of life. I know we'll be okay but still instead of jumping into something I thought would be inviting and fun and exciting, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, being told it's perfectly safe to jump and yet I can't help but think maybe it's not.

26 Weeks

2011-04-28T16:02:00.002-05:00

I was 26 weeks yesterday. Wow, how did that happen? I have 14 weeks til the due date but only 11 weeks until I'm full term. 11 weeks. Do you know how quickly that is going to go? It blows my mind that I can go from where I am right now-still fairly comfortably physically to having every day, every action be a struggle because I'm so darn big in such a short time. Every time I'm pregnant I am more and more amazed at the process of it all. Think about it-there's a little human in there right now! It's a boy or a girl and a few months from now we'll know it, and love it, and hold it and it will have a name. In just a few months this pregnancy and not knowing who this baby is will all be a memory. How is it possible that there is something so real and tangible growing inside me and yet it is still so intangible in so many ways? Simply mind blowing. To me at least.
I am feeling really well. Yes I have my days-moving around can be tough, particularly getting up from the couch-but for the most part, physically I feel great. I am still running-about 2 miles 2x a week. I am going. so. slow. I never knew that running so short and so slowly could be so tiring. After a run I am laid up on the couch for several hours recuperating. I honestly feel like I've run 20 miles after a 2 mile run. Maybe this means that I'll be even fitter after the pregnancy....one can hope. This baby is, of course, different and yet the same, as the other two. Anne never moved inside me. Seriously never. There were days she'd move exactly one time every 12 hours. Jamie never stopped moving but he never kicked. He squirmed. I can say with complete certainty the if he ever did do a true kick, I can count every time on one hand. This baby though, it moves all the time and it kicks a lot. It doesn't squirm too much. Maybe half a dozen times or less so far it's done the belly dancing thing. Mostly it just kicks. I feel really fortunately it does kick though because I'm the mama who worries if I realize I haven't felt it kick and then it doesn't for more than a few minutes. I get so nervous and scared something happened. But with this baby all I have to do is lay or sit quietly and he/she will start to kick in 5 minutes or less. Guaranteed. Every time.
I feel like this baby is bigger than Anne without question yet my prediction is that it is smaller than Jamie. We'll see if I'm right. I think this baby is a girl. I'm not sure why-maybe because that's what I'm hoping for-but I do think it's a girl. We have our girl name picked out and I can totally picture this baby having that name and joining our family. When I think of it coming out and being a boy I am shocked. It just doesn't seem to fit. But again, we'll see if I'm right. I will be the first to say I don't have a knack for calling these things and I also am the girl who believes "It ain't over til it's over". We knew with about 95% certainty (based on a feeling) that Jamie was a boy and yet I still thought that maybe he'd be a girl. I can't call this stuff for the life of me.
I had my midwife appointment yesterday. Everything went wonderfully. I seriously could not be any healthier. The baby is doing great. I am measuring perfectly. My weight is perfect. How lucky to have a worry free pregnancy! While she was getting the baby's heart rate, it wouldn't stop kicking long enough to get an accurate one! She'd hear about 3 seconds of a steady heartbeat and then the baby would kick or move and it's heart rate would speed up (which is a good thing) and by the time it settled down to a baseline again, the baby would move again. So although she couldn't get the heart rate, she did say I had a successful non-stress test without even knowing it or trying it (I guess one of the things they look for is 2 heart rate accelerations in 10-20 minutes. My baby did this in 60 seconds.)
So we are just hanging in there, doing life, as time passes us by. I am so excited to meet this little one. I am so excited to know how the chapter ends-how the end of the pregnancy goes, to know how my birth story will go and mostly to know if this baby is a boy or girl and to hold this little one in my arms and look into his or her eyes. I can't wait.

Big kids

2011-04-19T18:27:00.002-05:00

I FINALLY got the kids in for their annual well child visits. I know, I know, almost 2 months late for Jamie, but I had to wait for Anne's kindergarten forms to get posted so I could have the doctor fill them out. Both kids are just amazingly healthy. Anne is 42 inches tall and only 35 lbs. She's grown a bit faster for height, about 40-45% or so and for weight she's still at about 12%, which is where she's been most of her life. Jamie is our big boy; he's 35 inches tall and 30 lbs (almost 3 years younger but only 5 lbs lighter than his sister!). That puts him at about 80-85% for both height and weight. Quite a difference-and remember, they both have the same parents, they both grew in my uterus, and they both get fed almost identical meals. Jamie just packs it on apparently! I didn't think he was that much bigger than most kids his age, but apparently he is! Good job Kiddo and Bud! Keep on growing!

Toothless again! No fooling!

2011-04-01T19:42:00.001-05:00

We've had quite the April Fool's day around here. First Jamie went pee 3x in the potty (he went again right after dinner) and then during dinner Anne lost her second tooth! Wow-can we ever top this year's April Fool's day again?

He went potty-no fooling!

2011-04-01T18:14:00.003-05:00

I had a tough time potty training Anne. We started just about 2 and a half (with the intent to have her fully trained by the time Jamie arrived 5 months later). I did serious potty training with her-hardly any variations of our routine, big girl underwear, running around naked, etc and still it took her about 2-3 months to FINALLY get it down! Night time training took about another year to master 100%. It was a pretty frustrating time (YOU try potty training a 2 year old while months pregnant!) so I decided with Jamie I wouldn't seriously touch it until he turned 3. We have the luxury of not having to start preschool until he's 3 and a half so it seemed like a good plan. A few months ago I found our potties that had been put away and brought them out. For fun, he sits on them and gets an M&M just for sitting. This is serious, low key, no expectations and honestly, not even an attempt to potty train. Maybe, if we remember, he sits on it 2x a week. I do mention to him if he pees he can have an extra M&M but nothing has ever come of it.

Then today, he comes up the stairs and says "Cobbie!" (Potty...duh). I thought, "Okay, what the heck". Took off his pants and diaper, stuck him and and went in search of the M&Ms. Came back, gave him one and sat with him while he tried to pee to get the extra one. Nothing happened-or so I thought. I noticed there was a drop of liquid on the rim of the potty and thought that strange because there was no reason for liquid to be on it but figured someone dripped water on it in the past few hours. Jamie stood up and to my amazement there was pee in the potty! I was still very skeptical but we wiped and he was wet. Again, still thinking maybe this was all coincidental since I sat with him and didn't hear him pee. But we celebrated-called Daddy-Jamie peed in the potty for the first time today!

A few hours later, Jamie did the same thing. Came running in and asked to go on the potty. We did and this time I paid close attention and the boy peed! He did so without making any noise so I know the first time was him too.

Seriously amazing! Maybe his window is open. I'm still not going to pursue this with too much vigor, but I will certainly put him on more often and whenever he asks for it. Wow!

Anne'cdotes for the baby

2011-03-25T19:18:00.002-05:00

Anne is a lot more interested in this pregnancy than she was with Jamie (which isn't a surprise since she was only about 2 and a half when I was pregnant with Jamie and now she's nearly 5). This morning when she crawled into bed with me I put her hand on my tummy since the baby is often quite active in the mornings. After a while with no kicks I said:
"Usually the baby kicks a lot in the morning, but today it's being quiet."
Anne: "What was yesterday?"
Me: "Thursday."
Anne: "Well maybe Thursday is a play day for the baby. What is today?"
Me: "Friday"
Anne: "I think Friday is a grow day and the baby is sleeping. That's why its not kicking."

Gotta love it.

Jamie is 2!!

2011-03-13T19:17:00.004-05:00

Jamie is two!! How did this happen? Honestly these 2 years with him have flown by! We have been blessed beyond measure everyday of his life. We are beyond grateful that he is in our family. He brings a playfulness and joy that is uniquely his. Here is my little guy since he turned one-he has grown so very much since then!

12 months

15 months

18 months

21 months

2 YEARS OLD!

Kindergarten is just around the corner....

2011-03-09T13:20:00.002-06:00

(Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to post about Jamie's birthday or his party! I'll get to it soon, promise!)
I met with Anne's preschool teacher today for "parent teacher conferences" (I get how funny this is when the student is a 4 year old in preschool.) I was actually incredibly impressed and surprised at how much learning is going on in her class. I was under the impression there were a few stories, songs and art projects with maybe a letter of the day thrown in here and there. But nope, they are actually doing some good learning! Writing letters, recognizing letters, knowing the sounds they make, colors and shapes, recognizing numbers, counting, putting numbers in numerical order, and more...wow! And Anne, of course, is thriving. She is far exceeding the expectation of kindergarten requirements next year. Only 2 and a half months left of preschool, a short summer break (school starts again in mid August, can you believe it?) and then my baby is off to kindergarten! Wow! My daughter is growing by leaps and bounds...what a privileged and a blessing that I get to be her mother and witness it all.

Spring is coming!

2011-03-08T13:10:00.001-06:00

I went outside today to play catch with the dog-which by the way I haven't done in at least 6 months if not longer...bad doggie owner!-and out of the corner of my eye I saw the brightest green coming through in the garden. I went over and saw my chives are starting to poke through and grow! It was a beautiful sight amongst the icky gray and brown of the dead garden. Spring is coming!

Riding her bike!

2011-02-18T17:20:00.003-06:00

Anne is not the most athletic of kids. She holds her own but no one would ever say she's a prodigy in physicality or sports. It took her 2 years of practicing on her tricycle to finally be able to ride it at age 4. The past year we've been working on riding her 2 wheeler bike with training wheels. Every single time we've gone out to play since last spring (10 months ago), I have made her ride her bike. At first it was to the neighbor's driveway and back and as she got older, I made her ride it around our culdesac, which has 6 houses on it. She's always ridden it with great fear, pedaling incredibly slow and cautiously. But something happened a few days ago. After not riding all winter, she got on her bike and rode it like no one's business to the neighbor's drive and back. She rode it quickly and confidently and she enjoyed it. I have no idea what changed other than growing up or maybe seeing that all her friends can ride a bike. Today we decided to ride to our lake (about 2 blocks away) and back. Once we got there we decided to go the long way home. She faltered a bit on the way home-her legs were tired-but she stayed strong the whole way. When we got home, I looked it up and she rode over half a mile! Wow! Great job, Anne! I am SO proud of you!!

To my true Half-Pint

2011-02-16T13:03:00.004-06:00

Dear little guy or girl in there-
Today I am 16 weeks pregnant with you. Unlike your brother and sister, you have yet to have a single word written about you. Believe my little one, it's not for lack of caring about you or loving you, its simply life taking over. But I think about you every day, I feel for you moving every day, I listen to your heart beating all the time, and I even dream about you. (So far once as a boy, once as a girl-so which one is it?) Your pregnancy has been so different than your brother's and sister's. The first 10 weeks or so I was sicker with you than I have been with either kid. Yet I was able to eat anything I wanted. Except coffee and sweets. Which stunk because it was November and December, prime time for both but just a few tastes of either and I was done. Despite eating whatever I wanted, like I said, I was sicker with you than with the others. I felt pretty good between breakfast and lunch but after lunch I'd generally start feeling bad, which would get worse and worse until dinner and at that point I'd star to feel better. I only threw up a few times but there were nights that if I didn't know better, my stomach felt so bad, I'd have sworn I had the stomach flu.
Now that I'm 16 weeks, I actually don't feel pregnant at all! Let me clarify that. I have heartburn. I can't bend over very well. And my hips hurt in that way that only a baby growing inside can make them hurt. My workouts are loads harder than without a baby inside. I sleep very well at night. But other than that, I don't even feel pregnant! Finally, with the third baby, I am getting the second trimester energy! I run after your brother and sister like it's nothing. Jamie, all 30 pounds of him at not even 2 years old, I haul up on my hip (which by the way, he's become quite attached to me the past few weeks. Someone said it was because he knows your coming....) I run errands, clean the house, play with your brother and sister and then sometimes in the middle of it all, I remember that I have you inside and I'm shocked. I cannot believe that you are in there! Despite my growing stomach and hearing your heartbeat, I really can't believe you are in there! I wonder what I will start to feel in the next few weeks as you get bigger and start to move...
So let me catch up and tell you what Anne and Jamie think of you. Anne is almost 5 years old. She turns 5 in 2 more months. She feels my stomach occasionally and wishes desperately for a sister. But she's a 5 year old girl deep into princesses, so forgive her if you're a boy. I think she is going to be so very excited to feel you kick, maybe to see you being born, and to get to hold you and help me take care of you. Jamie turns 2 in a week. He, being only 2, is surprisingly attached to you. He pulls up my shirt all the time, points to my stomach and says "Baby!" He even kisses my stomach and tries to show you toys. I've held friend's babies recently and he really gets quite jealous, but once someone else is holding them, he can't get enough. He constantly points out the babies, pats their heads, talks to them. I think he might have a rough time adjusting to you, but hopefully already sharing me with his sister will help him adjust. Plus, he is very affectionate already with you and with babies so I have high hopes that after a little bi he'll be as smitten as we all will be.
Daddy and I are excited to see you growing and meet you! We cannot believe we will have 3 kids soon! We have no idea what that is like nor do we have a reference point. 2 kids seemed quite do-able but three seems hard. I have a feeling we'll adjust well and quickly though. Anne will start kindergarten soon after you arrive, so I'll only have 2 kids for part of the day every day. Jamie will be 2 and a half when you get here and he and Anne already play so well together that I'm hoping that will continue, so that I can spend the time I need to with you without feeling like I'm depriving him. But the logistics of getting 3 children ready and out the door seem hard. The thought of having 2 kids running and one helpless seem scary. But what a blessing from God you are so I know that we will be fine-not just fine-but happy and thriving.
So little one, don't let lack of writing about you make you feel less of anything. We love you already. We tried for you and we are excited to welcome you into our family in 5 months.
Love you already.
Mommy
PS. You are the size of an avocado today! So big yet so small!

Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T16:40:00.004-06:00

We don't do much for Valentine's day around here. We exchange candy and that's about it. We might go out for a date, but spending $100 seems extreme. If we want to go on a date, we certainly don't need the calendar to tell us to do it. And if we do, well then I don't think a date is gonna solve our problems....anyway, for the kids yesterday I got a great idea from Disney's Family Fun Magazine: I made a trail of candy for the kids, leading them to a small box of candy and a Valentine's Day book. Both kids LOVED following the trail. In fact, I may venture to say they enjoyed it more than Christmas morning or Easter morning. Certainly there was a level of excitement there from both I really had not seen before. For Dinner we had individual pizzas at Anne's request-she loved helping to roll out the dough and top it herself. Later this week I'll make them heart shaped pancakes. We ran out of eggs so we missed the actual day but the sentiment is there. Hope you enjoyed your day yesterday as much as the kids did!

The last hurrah!

2011-02-14T07:19:00.003-06:00

We went sledding on Saturday. The groundhog got it right and we are having a very early spring! Starting on Saturday the temps here in Chi-town finally got above freezing for the first time in (at least what feels like) a month or more. It feels positively spring-like even though it's only 38 or 40 degrees out. That is one thing I adore about Chicagoland. I love the way the very first hint of warm air and people shed their coats. Yesterday it was 40 degrees for the high yet more than half the people I saw were not wearing coats-including my 2 children since John was the one to get them in the car that morning. This week it's suppose to even get close to 60 one day! So although there very well may be a few more cold days that winter drags out, Spring is well on it's way! And frankly, after winter, 40 degrees feels like a tropical vacation so I'll take it!

But back to Saturday. I knew that Saturday was probably the last day we'd have our snow around. Despite getting 20 inches, there is only so long that snow can last in 40 and 50 degree weather. After naps, John and I buckled the kids up and headed to the sledding hill. We've been sledding with them 3 times now. Once on Jamie's birthday last year, once about 2 months ago and then this time this weekend. Jamie has just so-so liked it up until that point. He's sort of cried the whole way down (and honestly I can't blame him, I'm nearly 30 and sledding still scares me, though I love to do it), and whined and fussed until we got back in the car. (Again, how much fun can it really be to be 2, freezing, and unable to really move around enough to warm up?) But on Saturday, he had a great time. He went down nearly every time with John. John would go down on his sled and hold on to Jamie's and together they'd go down. Jamie would get back to the top of the hill and just say over and over "Dada! Dada!" He has been quite the mama's boy lately so the fact that he actually wanted John over me says something. I think he and John were exchanging testosterone through the air or something....Needless to say we all h ad a great time. Some kids made some "bumps" down the hill so if you caught them just right you'd actually catch air. Anne hit one one time and she probably went 2 feet up in the air. She said it hurt just a little but after that she kept trying to line up her sled with the bumps so she must have loved it. I'm so glad we got to have our last hurrah with Winter-and sledding in 32 degree weather is quite enjoyable!

A Family Tradition

2011-02-14T07:03:00.006-06:00

Jamie helped me make brownies the other day. Anne "helps" me make baked desserts quite often. Helping entails her pouring in ingredients as I give them to her until she has spilled them one too many times at which point she waits it out with me to get to lick the spoon or spatula or beaters. Frankly she doesn't care so much that she's helping as much as she's licking the final product. Jamie has helped me just one or two times. He's not even 2 yet so his ability to follow directions to the point that he doesn't ruin a dessert is lacking. But the other day we made boxed brownies and Anne (surprisingly) had no desire to help. So Jamie was my little man. He did a good job of dumping in the mix and the 2 additional ingredients. Mostly he, as his sister, just wanted to lick the spoon.
Taking these pictures reminded me of the first time Anne helped me to make brownies. Surprisingly and without planning, she was pretty much, probably almost to the day, the exact same age as Jamie was in these pictures.
So apparently, helping mama make brownies at nearly age 2 is a family tradition!

And Winnie loved it most of all...

2011-02-02T12:44:00.001-06:00

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know the US got hit hard by snow storms this week. IL and Chicago-land are no exception. Actually, if there's ever reports of snow storms, you can almost best IL is always involved. The Blizzard of 2011 hit starting yesterday afternoon and died down just late this morning. Reports are we got 17+ inches of snow. Drifts by my house were 4-6 feet high. The kids, John and Winnie tramped out after breakfast to play a little. The kids only lasted about half an hour, but Winnie, loved it most of all...

Spaghetti Fun!

2011-01-29T19:10:00.005-06:00

Recently Jamie had a dish that had spaghetti in it. It was so adorable to watch him eat it, make a mess, slurp the noodles that John and I decided we needed to have spaghetti night in the Atwood household. So tonight I made spaghetti and purposefully decided to make it a fun dinner night. Jamie slurped it up so cutely and Anne joined right in!

Toothless!

2011-01-22T19:02:00.003-06:00

Anne is officially toothless. At nearly 4 and 3/4 she has lost a tooth. Surely, the first of her friends. It was a rough road, with it's fair share of tears-Anne was scared of loosing it in her sleep or swallowing it-but she made it through. The tooth got loose by biting into a banana of all things and was finally lost by licking an ice cream cone. Go figure. The dentist took an x-ray when it was initially loose just to make sure it was a true loose tooth rather than loosing it prematurely and sure enough, her two front teeth are huge underneath her gums, just waiting to break through. So I expect in the next few weeks to see her old tooth's friend get loose too. Wow, my daughter is actually old enough to loose a tooth. How did this happen??

What I wouldn't give for a little warmth...

2011-01-19T13:10:00.003-06:00

About this time of year I get stir crazy. It's worse when you are a stay at home mom of young kids. When you work, you have your routine and general busyness to help you forget the short, cold, cloudy, snowy days. But when you have young kids that are getting restless and climbing on you for a playground since it's too cold to go outside, this time of year is hard. I breeze through November and December with no problem, for obvious reasons. Thanksgiving and Christmas keep me occupied and excited. But about 2 weeks after Christmas is over, it starts to creep up. Three weeks after Christmas and I am full blown in the winter blues. Now, this is no where near SAD or any real depression, just a general antsyness and deep longing for warmth, sunshine and the simple ability to go outside without fear of frostbite in 20 minutes or less. I keep telling myself that in 2 weeks there is hope of spring-afterall warm days in February are not unheard of. But in all reality, I have another 6-8 weeks before I can expect warm days. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through. All my attempts to pretend I'm not stir crazy are about as effective as Anne dressing up as a firefighter and asking me to really believe it. Hopefully God will smile on me and pass along a few 40 degree days, which are for sure warm enough to play outside in, until the warmth is here to stay for sure.

Family of...5 please!!

2011-01-15T15:15:00.004-06:00

John and I are so excited to say that we have another baby on the way! I am 11 weeks along and due August 3rd. We've heard the heartbeat and the first trimester is just a stone's throw away from being over, so we are starting to get excited about the next things to come-big belly, baby moving, and before we know it, a sweet little face to stare at, kiss, and love to bits. Anne wants a baby sister but as she tells us nearly every time: "It's God's choice!" and surprisingly Jamie keeps saying "Girl" when we ask him what he wants. (Granted, we know he has no clue, but it is noteworthy that no matter what order we ask him, he always says girl...). I would love to give Anne a sister but more than that, I am excited to meet my little guy or girl in 6 months time....

Mery Christmas

2011-01-05T13:06:00.004-06:00

Christmas at our house was amazing-mostly due to Jamie and his unbelievable enthusiasm for gifts! I had no idea that a 22 month old could get the idea of ripping paper off presents and taking toys out of boxes so quickly. It took about one rip of paper on that very first gift and he was hooked. He recently started getting into Thomas (which I have no clue how since we really don't watch it) and several of his gifts were Thomas trains. He immediately would start to jump up and down and vibrate with excitement while shouting "Choo choo!" and trying to grab the toy out of the box. As soon as he was done, he was ready to get the next gift even if we weren't or it wasn't his gift. I don't think Anne has ever shown that kind of enthusiasm for any gift ever, so it was really fun to see Jamie get so excited. I think we're all looking forward to his birthday just to see him excited again!
Anne got into Disney Princesses the same time Jamie did Thomas-again, another mind boggler since she's only seen maybe 2 Disney movies up to this point. I think the advertising has sunk it's claws in deep on this one. She got some Princess barbie type dolls and a ridiculously over priced, so not worth the money Belle Castle and several other gifts. I think she had a great time.

The way over priced Belle Castle

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you had a wonderful day!

Christmas Eve Zoo then and now

2011-01-01T15:07:00.003-06:00

Like I said, going to the zoo on Christmas Eve has become our tradition. There has only been one year in the past 5 we missed it but we made up for it and went the day after Christmas that year. As long as we can, I think we'll keep it up. Since we've done it 4x now, I have some good then and now pictures.

Anne's very first time at the zoo ever-she was 8 months old here.

And now, what a big girl and 4 and a half!

I am so bummed that she isn't looking at the camera. Here's Anne at 20 months old. Notice she doesn't even come up to the 3 foot mark.

Three years later, little brother has joined us (the same age as Anne in the above picture but taller than she was). Anne now is about a foot taller.

Christmas Eve at the Zoo

2011-01-01T14:56:00.004-06:00

We had our annual Christmas Eve at the zoo this year. I always love it. There's something so special about being practically the only ones at the zoo. Last year they were revamping the dolphin show so it was closed but this year we got to see it. We also go to see lots of houses that we hadn't been in in quite a while. Everyone had fun. Both Jamie was dead to the world about 5 minutes after we got in the car to go home!

The dolphins were especially playful in the underwater viewing. I think it was because this was about 20 minutes before the show started and they must have a sense for it.

The very coolest part of the whole day (which was lost on Anne because she's too young to realize what an honor this was) was Anne was picked to go down and make hand signals to the dolphins. There were maybe 20 people at the show, so I think all the kids that raised their hands got to go down.

Look at how close she got! How neat!

And, she's back!

Sledding!

2011-01-01T14:42:00.004-06:00

We had a really surprising sledding experience the week before Christmas. On one of the warmest days that week (I think it actually got above freezing), I got the kids dressed up to go sledding. Snow pants, hats, gloves, coats, everything. Took them out to put them and in the car and realized I didn't have a clue where the sleds were. It turned out they were in the attic, with absolutely no way for me to reach them. So back in the house and undressed the kids went-no sledding to be had that day. A few days later, it occurred to me that maybe I could pile up a bunch of snow and have the tiniest of sledding hills for Anne. It worked out and she had a fun time sliding down it on her sled. We tried with Jamie but the hill wasn't sturdy enough for his bulky baby sled so he did a lot of walking around while Anne slid down.

The interesting part comes in that while Anne was sledding down, I thought to myself how great it would be if John came home early and saw us sledding on the hill and then we actually went sledding for real. This seemed impossible since it was only 4 pm and John had another hour before he was even off work. I forgot that it was the day before Christmas Eve and since everyone had Christmas Eve off (due to Christmas being on a Saturday), John actually was getting off early that day. Not joking, two minutes after I thought how neat it would be for him to come home, he pulled up! He was quite surprised to see us out in the snow since I've never hidden the fact that playing out with the kids in the snow-especially by myself-is not my cup of tea. About 10 seconds after he got out, I said "Let's go sledding!" John and I are no where near fly by the seat of your pants people. Normally to go sledding we'd have to plan for it at least a day in advance. Not to mention at that point, we'd have at best 20 minutes of day light left. Still, it seemed fun and doable so with just a little prodding (and I mean not much at all) John loaded the kids up (who were ideally already dressed and ready to go), I threw the sleds in the trunk and off we went! It was fairly warm when we left to go but even 15 minutes later, with a setting sun, had a big difference in the temperature. By the time we got to the hill it was a good 10 degrees colder (I thought). We only had about 20 minutes left of daylight but still, we took advantage of it. Jamie has a baby sled, where he can be strapped in and it has some sort of piece on the back that makes it anti-tip so he was able to go down by himself. John and I took turns going down with Anne. She did great and was such a trooper. I'm excited to go back when there's more daylight and it isn't quite so fridged.

Daddy and Jamie going down-John holding the ropes to keep some sort of control on Jamie's sled.

Santa!

2011-01-01T14:39:00.002-06:00

Anne and Jamie got to see Santa this year and of course we got pictures!

Anne's Fall Program

2011-01-01T11:41:00.003-06:00

Right before Thanksgiving, Anne's preschool put on a fall program. The kids sang some songs they had been practicing all month and then we had cookies afterwards. It's pretty cute, but honestly something only a mother could love.
The weeks leading up to it, Anne would play "stage" and would stand on an end table and sing us songs. Jamie got in on the action and would climb up (no having to convince him!) and stomp around while squealing. It actually took me a while to realize why she was standing on the table but when I got that she was mimicking being on a stage I thought that was ingenious.

Taking her bow.

10K

2011-01-01T08:40:00.003-06:00

Another thing I wanted to do this fall was to find a Fall (or Thanksgiving) 10k. It was actually a tough order because all of them seemed to be either on a Sunday (when going to church is pretty much non-negotiable) or in Chicago (which honestly, isn't really an option). I found one though and not only that, it was close to our house-about half an hour away.
I didn't really train for this one in any way other than to add some mileage to my weekly "long" (and I use that term loosely) run. It worked out perfectly that 2 weeks before the run, I got in a 6.5 miler and the week before I was able to "rest" with a 4 miler.
The race itself was tough. It was chilly and drizzled with harder rain at points, non-stop during the race. But I finished, with only 3 seconds over my goal. I wanted to run it in under an hour (6.2 miles) and I finished in 1 hour and 3 seconds! I suppose I'll have to take it!

Fall Fun!

2011-01-01T08:25:00.004-06:00

One of my goals back in September was to spend more time outside this fall. To be honest, I'm not sure at all that I even came close to accomplishing what I had in mind. I thought we'd spend every daylight hour out at the park, the back yard, fall walks, and taking the dog to the dog park. What it really turned out to be was what it always is-a few days a week when it was nice and when it worked out, we hung out outside. Most of the time though, we had chores or errands or just plain busyness that stood in the way.
We did however, make it to the Arboretum one particularly chilly day this fall. It was lovely! The stream beds had dried up, making it sort of a bouldering experience for the kids. Jamie has never been able to play in this stream bed because it's just too uneven for his still-mastering-walking feet. But since it was all dried up and not quite so slippery, he was able to navigate it quite well. We also discovered a rope bridge that I didn't know existed and although it said it was for at least 3 year-olds, Jamie ran across it a dozen times at top speed without any problems at all!
It was a lot of fun. The Arboretum, for me, is a place you have to seek out entertainment. It doesn't come to you like it does in so many other kid hot spots. It isn't blown up in bright colors or set out in a huge display. Instead you have to spend time, looking at the details and using your imagination and really getting back to the essence of being a kid to be entertained. And that's why I love it there. Because it forces my kids to look at a leaf and stop seeing it as a part of a tree but instead to view it as a hat, a plate, or a magical wand. The Arboretum is especially magical when you can get to it on days when it's deserted and the peace, quietness, and simplicity of it can speak the loudest. That's what I found when we went this fall. I can't wait to go back on a day when it isn't quite warm enough to draw crowds but warm enough that my kiddos can get their feet dirty without their toes falling off.